#and we know he likes a pedestal (see everything about jamie ever)

[lottiepumpkinofficial]

MASSIVE LIVEBLOG (which will probably actually be very short)

chap’s 12-28 (bc i had a bad week and did not read)

this will only be really big things i wanna scream about

okay chap 12 is maybe my favourite in tlp- binah is objectively the best character (don’t fight me on this)

lola being so candid is very refreshing

thank you saskia for finally saying it to her bc she wasn’t gonna get it any other way

ferris wheels are gay

finally some honesty and communication!!

i wish we got to see more of miko and lottie being friends, especially in pah and pea

GOATMAN

OUR home

tbf yeah he did have his whole life ripped away from him but that’s mostly your fault goatman

i’m still so mad someone spoiled the haru leviathan reveal for me when i first read it (it wasn’t their fault, it was insta showing me the second slide of a carousel post where the first slide was a spoiler warning)

ollie :((((

petty and has a god complex is a great description

okay i took a long break from writing there- i’m on chapter 27 now

aha a cat lesbian

fucking hell ellie that’s a bit much

okay, so this is just my opinion and i don’t mean to start arguments here- but i think jottie could never be a thing because he puts her on a pedestal. it’s kinda cute in up and pip, but in tlp i think he crosses the line between having a crush/being in love, and idolising someone. he says he doesn’t think anyone’s worthy of her, she’s the sun, and a million other things about her glowing and being magical and better than everyone else. because she’s the first time he’s ever thought about someone other than ellie, of course he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings, it becomes bigger and stranger and he thinks it’s just unrequited love. i have mixed feelings about the mummy issues reveal about his “true” feelings towards, but i don’t think it’s a coincidence that he realises that about himself when he’s finally taking the time to think about himself and his family and future. if i had a friend calling their crush “like the sun itself… an unstoppable force casting light on everything she touched” i would probably ask them if they like that person, or the idea of them. sure, lottie can be that- she’s unstoppable etc, but she’s also just a girl. and jamie’s just a boy. and ellie’s just a person. they all need to strip back ideas and titles and then it all becomes clear

[hacash]

ted lasso thoughts 2x08

hey, remember when everyone was worried that Ted Lasso Season 2 had too much fluff and not enough conflict? huh? everyone remember that?

everyone remember when we watched this because it was light and hopeful enough to get us through lockdown?

remember last episode when we thought all the dark forest would be about nate’s downward spiral and thought nothing else heavy could happen?

hell, remember when we first saw jamie tartt and thought there was no way we could sympathise with him as a character?

I’m not going to lie, the dark forest is dark and it is scary, but even in the midst of the trees there’s flickers of light. jamie’s entire storyline in this ep was building scene by scene - we could feel the tension growing, from that first screenshot of his phone saying “Dad” (not Dad, “Dad”, I mean fuck this show) right up to the moment when Tartt Senior bursts into the changing room. If Phil Dunster doesn’t get an Emmy nomination next year he will have been absolutely robbed - and then to put the icing on the cake, having Roy be the one to step up and hold him through the pain. I mean, damn.

A little underrated scene was Jamie and Higgins chatting: there’s no way in hell Jamie would have taken the time to so much as pass Higgins a word one season ago, let alone ask if he wanted the door to his closet-office closed. I particularly appreciated Higgins’ chat about his own father - it wasn’t straight-up ‘screw your dad if he’s a bad dad’, but neither was it a ‘you should always be there for your family no matter what’ message that children of abusive parents often get from well-meaning but ignorant bystanders, once again showing that Higgins picks up on more than not. Personally I’m waiting for Jamie to be invited around to the Higginses for Sunday lunch.

The shock on the entire Richmond team’s face through that scene. Oh man.

I never thought they’d have the audacity to kill off Sharon before the credits but whoa that still had me yelling at my screen while the theme song was still playing. I love how we’re seeing more of her as a character, not just a therapist. (And hearing her voicemails to Ted were something else.)

Ted. Oh Ted. I think a lot of us knew it was coming but still, that line hit more heavily than anything else in the episode. The bluntness of it coming out of nowhere - the fact that Ted is unsure whether or not that was what gave him his issues - the fact that we’re still scratching the surface... *weeps in football*

The Diamond Dogs exchanging vulnerabilities was such a precious moment. I’ve seen some say that they thought Nate’s expression was one of disgust at Ted’s revelation, and some that they thought it was relief at not being the only one struggling with mental health issues. For myself, I read it as shock - Nate’s always seen Ted on a pedestal, and the idea that your idol can suffer from the same weaknesses as you...well, that’s always a heavy moment. (Whatever it was, I’m sure it’ll come back to bite us in time.)

SAM ‘N REBECCA. It’s a testament to the two actors that even though everything in me feels iffy and odd and that this ain’t a good thing, their chemistry and acting is so good that you end up thinking ‘oh man, I wish this was workable for them’. Rebecca knows it’s not going to work, but comes up against Sam’s irrepressible youthful charm and hope, and after everything she’s been through...suddenly it’s so easy to understand why she’s sailing so close to the wind. But it’s almost definite that this ain’t gonna work out, and all we can do is hope like hell it ends as well as possible.

Seriously, look me in eye and tell me that if Toheeb Jimoh came up to you looking like he did all through that episode and asked to have dinner that you’d say no. I dare you.

Is Roy’s sister the doctor from the ER???? I really hope she is.

Roy taking on board everything he learned about being a good role model for Phoebe and comforting Jamie is just...just... *flails*

There wasn’t much to laugh at in this episode but my boy Colin never lets me down. That dumbbell scene had me cackling. Seriously, someone protect him. (I particularly loved the fact that we have Overprotective Boyfriend Isaac lambasting him for letting Colin nearly choke to death and then thirty seconds later does the exact same thing.)

THE HAIRCUTTING SCENE. There are no words other than cinematic masterpiece. I remember thinking at the beginning of this season that I wanted more for Isaac to do and to see him coming into his own as Captain and holy hell did I get my wish. Watching all the boys hoot and applaud and gush over Isaac’s effortless mastery of the clippers was the purest form of ‘boys will be boys’ I have ever seen or will ever see. (Until the next Richmond Himbos scene, ofc.)

And as a nice touch, watching Will take part and be included (holding the clippers’ tray ‘like a squire to a knight’) was lovely, particularly given the last episode.

The football match itself - it says a lot that this wasn’t even the focus, only as a tool to make our hearts break even more for Richmond FC - was hard to watch, particularly because it really felt like we were meant to feel like they just weren’t playing well? and I don’t quite understand why - I’ve already written about how Nate kinda had a point in this episode, that Roy and Ted dashing off for emergencies without telling anyone what they were is weird under any circumstance (let alone before such an important match) and possibly is a sign that while the team themselves are stronger than ever, everything is not quite well with the coaches of Richmond.

(seriously: ‘Sharon’s in the hospital and I’m going to make sure she’s ok’ ‘My niece has an emergency at school.’ Would that have been so hard? From a show that prioritises communication?)

And I really didn’t understand that little moment of Beard letting Nate - a junior coach, before a really important match - lead training. That, coupled with Beard being focused on as struggling to take the result, really intrigues me. It could be nothing, but so often this show drops little nuggets leading up to a big reveal, and the fact that the next episode looks to be Beard centric has me very interested, and more than a little anxious. As I am leading up to every episode of Ted Lasso these days, I suppose.

[squidproquoclarice]

What do you think of the missions for Beau and Penelope?

So if I remember right, this was an optional mission strand, and much like Rains Fall and Calderon’s later, something that initially could come across as just another Stranger for Arthur to help actually becomes very vulnerably illustrative of his inner self.  (Even if he isn’t making verbal confessions of things in this one like those other two.) The Penelope and Beau missions emotionally revolve around Arthur’s own confused, blighted romance with Mary Linton.  Forbidden “Romeo and Juliet” romance?  Check.  Opposite sides of some kind of social fence?  Check.  Overbearing, controlling, and disapproving families?  Check.  Longing to escape but fear of doing so?  Check.  The vibes and driving factors are so similar it’s pretty obvious that R* intended to evoke that aspect of Arthur’s life with these missions.  The fact he has no other in-game romance, and even his closest friendships don’t have this same vibe, makes it an even easier correlation to pick up on. We already know by the first mission point in Chapter 3 that Arthur had a youthful romance that didn’t work out, that he and Mary still feel some pull even fifteenish years later, that it’s still acutely painful for him, and that his “not measuring up” and family disapproval played a big part in it.  Then we get Beau and Penelope for a while, and then in Chapter 4, we get more of Arthur and Mary and find out more context there.  And Mary asks him to run away with her.  He’s tempted, but he declines.  Because there are people who still need him.  He can’t just leave.   Then in Chapter 6 we get the end of Beau and Penelope’s story.  They run away together to Boston, presumably to their happily-ever-after, and Arthur helps make it happen.  And I feel like as he watches them leave, he’s hoping that their love survives and they have a better ending than him and Mary.  Because he knows, even before that letter arrives, that they have no future.  Even without the TB, I think he’d know it by now.  He knows they could never run away together and have it work out, though you can’t just stop feelings on a dime so it still breaks his heart when she writes him to finally say that they can’t do this anymore, that it’s bad for both of them (and she’s right, and you can tell it’s breaking her heart to write that letter). Beau and Penelope do have a few things that are different from Arthur and Mary that mean they have a happy ending.  For one, they very clearly admire each other.  They praise each other as people openly to Arthur, and in ways that seem to prove true when we actually meet the other person.  That’s very much opposed to Mary and Arthur’s bickering and uncertainty and resentment of “You’re a snob who condescends to me”/”You just seem to revel in doing the wrong thing”.  Because admiration and even being in love isn’t enough.  You have to like and respect someone, to truly know them rather than a perfect image you’ve made of them, and trust them.  And both sides have to do so.  There has to be equality.  There can’t be one person who practically worships the other and one who sort of looks down on the other, or both people feeling an attraction but disliking each other as people so that there’s that conflict between that idealized romantic fantasy and the reality. And Arthur has a problem there, because we see with multiple people that he’s prone to idealize and put some people on a pedestal and think he’s not good enough for them, or else having to step up and be the reliable "big brother”/leader/mentor half of the equation.  It’s very, very notable that he doesn’t readily relate to people as equals.  It’s typically either a matter of how he needs to step up to protect and guide them, or else how he’s hopelessly too much beneath the image he has of them.    That’s part of why I really love R*’s writing on his friendship with Sadie, because that equality of seeing each other as flawed but fundamentally good is there, so he can have the humor and vulnerability and trust that he can’t with Mary and others, and he can accept Sadie’s praise of him as a good person like he can’t from others because he knows she truly knows him.  It’s a pretty glaring contrast in personality fit and that ability to be seen and be vulnerable that he’s laughing and joking with Sadie within thirty seconds of leaving camp as opposed to Mary criticizing with his dry sense of humor, or else being either super-serious-in-charge or put-you-in-your-place-snarky as he is with other people in the gang.  And it really makes you wish that he had that partnership and comfortable ease with more people, because he needs it.  It feels like he’s pretty much there with Javier pre-Guarma, which probably feeds into his Chapter 6 conflict with Javier.  Seeing someone he trusted that much wandering into Micah’s group has to hurt, and ergo the kind of angry, lousy comment about how they should have left Javier on Guarma.  He expected better from Javier, because if he’s seeing the truth about Dutch now, why doesn’t the equally loyal (but probably a little bit of “a better man than me” sentiment there) Javier?  He doesn’t see that his few solid allies at the time have much easier choices than Javier: John sees Dutch having left him to hang among other things and very reasonably doesn’t trust him, and Sadie and Charles both have a much easier decision because as relative newbies to the gang and being there out of pragmatic “I don’t have anywhere else to go so this will do for now” rather than being fanatically loyal to Dutch, they can walk away.  And Charles actually does that, quite rightly, by peacing out before the end to go with the Wapiti and be with a community we see he truly loves and belongs to, and bidding farewell to a whole bunch of bullshit that frankly isn’t his to handle.  Even if the Epilogue tries to walk that self-assertion back pretty hard, unfortunately.  The other big difference is that Beau and Penelope have absolutely nobody in their horrible families they care about anymore.  Thus they can easily leave them behind to run away together.  Mary may suggest running away on impulse, but we know she’s fiercely protective of her little brother Jamie.  From their very disparate ages (late teens/early twenties and early thirties), it’s quite likely that Mary was both sister and mother to him.  I doubt she could easily leave him to the bullying of their father, and especially after knowing how naive and vulnerable he is after the Chelonians.  Arthur, of course, has many people he loves and desperately wants to protect and get to safety.  Even by that point in Chapter 4, he may be seeing Dutch more clearly and starting to put a little distance there, but he can’t abandon the rest of his family. They may talk about running away together briefly, but like much of their relationship, it’s a romantic fantasy that can’t stand up to the reality of each other and their lives, and they both know it. And so Beau and Penelope also serve to show us, and Arthur, that it’s not a forbidden romance that’s the issue with him and Mary.  Those can work out, because this one does.  He can’t use the excuse that it’s them against the world any longer, try to apply Dutch’s, “It’s not my fault, it’s society” logic.  Which means he has to take a good look at himself and that relationship and admit that it can’t work because of who they are as people, and because of the people that they love and still need to protect.  At the end of the day, there’s just not enough there that’s true reality rather than delirious fantasy for them to possibly sacrifice almost everything to be together.  They couldn’t do it when they were kids, and they can’t do it now.  And that’s not wrong of either of them.

[myhockeyworld87]

Ruined - Jamie Benn - Part 5

Word Count: 5,690

POV: Reader and then switches to Jamie

Warnings: Language, but that’s about it, at least from what I can remember

Notes: So I just want to thank everyone for their patience with me as I took some time off. I’ve still been writing, so hopefully you’ll see your favorite stories pop up here and there. Happy reading!

Sidenote: Also (Y/NN) = Your Nickname (Y/LN) = Your Last Name

READER'S POV

 "I'm sorry what did you just say?" you asked Emma, as you had to have heard her incorrectly when she said that you should get under someone in order to get over Jamie. "Because, you were there in high school, that didn't work out the best for me."

"That's not what I meant."

 "But it is what you said, that I should just go hook up with some random guy. Em, I love you, babe, but I am not going down that path again. I do not need to be known as the doctor that sleeps around."

 "Oh my god, would you shut up for one minute?" You went radio silent, after she practically yelled at you through the phone, though you suppose that your voice had gone up maybe a decibel or two. "I didn't mean for you to go fuck some rando at the bar. Actually, I meant…and hear me out before you say anything," she paused and you had a feeling that you weren't going to like what she said next no matter what it was. "I think you should sleep with Jamie."

 "WHAT!?!"

 "Yeah, that was a little loud. I think you might have woken up Caleb. Shh, go back to sleep babe," you heard her mumble to her husband.

 "I'm sorry but are you crazy? Maybe I called you too early and you're not fully functioning without coffee. Or should I call Dr. Kaplan and have him examine you."

 "Your neurologist, friend? No." She sounded a bit indignant at the mention that she needed her brain examined for suggesting a thing, but really what were you supposed to think when she made stupid remarks like you should go sleep with Jamie. "I asked you to listen before you passed judgment on me. God, you think you were a judge instead of a doctor so something."

 "Well, you have my full attention. So please explain, before I have you committed to the psych ward." She scoffed at you, which only made you say, "You know I can medically do that."

 You could almost hear her eyes rolling through the phone. "Yes, but who would you call this early in the morning when you have a problem." She had a point. "Exactly. Now, let me explain. You and Jamie never really resolved anything. He said things, you got upset, he never answered the phone, so you broke it off with him, yadda, yadda, yadda. You get my point." It seemed a whole lot more complicated than a few yaddas. "But there was never any closure for either of you there. It just sort of ended." Emma was right about that, after hearing that he only was seeing you for sex, you didn't want to speak to him at all. "It was obvious then, that he still had feelings for you, even if you didn't want to see it. And don't kill me here, but I think it was obvious that you still had feelings for him as well, and that maybe you still do." You didn't exactly know how you felt about Jamie at the moment, but waking up in his arms did feel right. "Let's face it (Y/N), you've compared every guy you've ever been with to Jamie."

 "I have not." Had you?

 "Ok, we're skipping all the douches in high school, because you and I both know you never slept with any of them. Yes, I know what everyone said, but I was also your best friend and I know you. The worst you ever did was give Carter Williams a blow job behind the bleachers after a football game." Oh, Jesus, she did not need to go down this road listing all your sexcapades from high school or after that. "I'm talking about Bryan, the perfectly good looking, studying to be a heart surgeon, boyfriend that you gave up for no other reason then you said he wasn't tall enough."

 "I did not break up with Bryan because he wasn't tall enough and you know it."

 "It was a factor, along with his hair not being dark enough and you hating his sense of humor."

 "The man made stupid heart surgeon jokes that not even anyone in the cardiothoracic department got."

 "True, but you also told me he was lousy in bed, and I believe that was another complaint you had about Tomas, Dylan…oh and what was his name…you know the one you said that you had to use your vibrator the minute he walked out the door because he couldn't get you off."

 "Isaac," you told her and there was a blush creeping to your cheeks. Suddenly, you were regretting Emma being your best friend.

 "Yes, Isaac. If I remember correctly that happened more than once with him. How you kept him around for four months is beyond me. You're a doctor woman, you can show him where the clit is, you know? Just take his hand and place it…"

 "Thank you, Dr. Emma, I know where my clit is."

 "But he didn't," she let out a bark of laughter that was so contagious you had to join in. Once you both calmed, Emma came right back at you about Jamie. "Look, he was your first love and maybe the sex wasn't as great as your sixteen-year-old mind remembers. Maybe you just fuck Jamie and that's all it is, a fuck, or maybe it's more. At least this way, you won't be holding him on some pedestal like he's a Greek god or something."

 Maybe she was right and you'd been holding on for fourteen years thinking that what you and Jamie had was this truly magical once and a lifetime thing when in reality all it had been was sex. Let's face it, what your sixteen-year-old self thought was love could've been nothing more than lust. "I never thought he was a Greek god."

 "Please, I was always envious about how you had this romantic first time. I mean mine was in the back of Kyle's jeep, and before you say anything he didn't know where the clit was either."

 You both giggled again, but then you had to remind her of how things had ended. "It wasn't romantic when he said those things about me."

 "He was sixteen (Y/N). I'm not making an excuse, but it's time to build that bridge. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't. I'm not saying for you to give him your whole heart. I'm just saying, find out if what was there, was truly that once in a lifetime love or was it just this idea that you've been holding on to."

 "But what if…" you stuttered while Emma waited for you to continue. "What if…I still love him, and he breaks my heart, again."

 "(Y/N), that's the chance we all take when we open our hearts to love. You don't think that I felt that way with Caleb? That sometimes I still don't feel that way." She sighed. You could tell she was struggling with how to put her feelings into words. "He could walk out the door and leave me here alone, and my heart would break into pieces, but the love I have for him is so much greater than that fear." She made it sound so easy, but all you could remember was how completely hurt you'd felt when things had gone wrong with Jamie. "I know you're scared, and that's why you've closed your heart off for so long, but (Y/N) I promise you the minute you open it back up, your life is going to be even better than it is. And maybe it's Jamie that deserves your heart and maybe it's not, but you'll never know if you don't try."

 "I know," you whispered weakly, for you really did know that. If it wasn't Jamie, it was going to have to be someone eventually, because you didn't want to be alone forever. It was just that gnawing fear in the back of your mind that Jamie would hurt you again as he had before. "I just don't want to break into a thousand pieces again."

 "You won't (Y/N), and if you do, I'll be on the first flight to Dallas to help you pick them up." She would be, you knew that for sure because you couldn't ask for a better friend than Emma. "And I'll kick his ass as well." That made you laugh considering that Emma was five foot four, and Jamie was just over six foot. It would make for an interesting matchup, but you knew that Emma would take him down no matter the size difference.

 "Thanks, Em."

 "I just want you to be happy, (Y/NN); happy and in love, and I just have this gut feeling that Jamie can make that happen." There was only one way to find out, and that was to open up more to Jamie. It wouldn't be easy but after this little talk, you were willing to try. "Now, enough about this, because you're going to follow my advice. So tell me how everything else is going? Do you like work? Is it everything you thought it would be?"

 "And so much more." You spent the next fifteen minutes catching up with each other before she kicked you off the phone to go make rounds at the hospital. Despite not having that many patients of your own at the moment, you were still looking after all of Dr. Lundin's. It was about three o'clock in the afternoon when your phone rang, Jamie's name popping up on the screen. For a minute, you thought about not answering it, but then you remembered your conversation this morning with Emma and quickly hit the accept button. "Hey, Jame."

 He seemed a bit startled that you answered. "Oh, hey (Y/NN). I was just giving you a call about a couple things."

 "Ok, what's up?"

 "Well, first off, I found your dress in my bathroom this morning."

 "Oh shit, I totally forgot that I left it in there." You'd laid it over the tub last night when you changed, something that you did at home all the time. You had every intention of picking it up before you left, but then you'd fallen asleep and well, it kind of got lost in your mind as you freaked out over possibly having feelings for Jamie.

 "It's no biggie. I hung it up in my closet." He paused as if he'd said something wrong. "Just so it didn't wrinkle anymore." Well, look at him being all domesticated.

 "Thanks, that's sweet of you. I'll stop over and get it sometime from you."

 "Oh, ok or I can bring it over. Whatever is easiest for you. I also wanted to see if there was a good time to reschedule that visit to the AAC? We kind of didn't get to go over my map too much last night. Plus, my artistic skills are a little rusty."

 You'd forgotten all about the tour, but it would be a good excuse to spend some more time with Jamie to see where your feelings were. "Let me check my schedule." You switched him to speaker and flipped over to your calendar. "Oh, I'm headed to Jessi's tomorrow night to take her stitches out, so that won't work. Um, let me see about the next day."

 "What about tonight?"

 "Oh, tonight?" You weren't sure if you were ready to face him just yet, but a little voice, that sounded an awful lot like your best friend, told you there was no time like the present. "Yeah, I can do that. I was just getting ready to leave here in about ten minutes. What time were you thinking?"

 "Whenever I'm free the rest of today, so if you just wanted to come straight here; that's fine."

 This was really not the timeframe you wanted. You hadn't even taken any time this morning to do anything special with your hair or makeup, as you'd spent too much time talking to Emma. Though it wasn't like Jamie hadn't just seen you with drool on your face, wearing his sweats and your hair a complete disaster. Anything would be an improvement over that. It was that thought that had you saying, "Sounds good. I'll see you in about twenty minutes then."

 "Ok see you soon." You hung up and then quickly went to add at least a bit of lip gloss and mascara to your face.

 It was about twenty minutes later that you were pulling into your garage and then walking the short distance to Jamie's. This time foregoing parking at his place. He opened the door before you even had a chance to knock. "Hey, (Y/N). How's it going tonight?"

 It seemed like a loaded question when he was standing there dressed in a pristine white dress shirt, his chest hair peeking out from where he'd undone the first couple buttons. Suddenly, your mouth went dry. When you were sixteen, Jamie didn't have a hair on his chest. Well, maybe there were one or two that he was awfully proud of, but they really didn't count. This was just another sign of how much he'd changed and grown into the man that stood before you today. You'd hoped he'd changed in other ways as well. "Much better tonight. My feet are all ready for you to give me the grand tour."

 "Alright, then let's head out." He had his car in the garage, so you followed him through the house to the SUV. In true Jamie Benn fashion, he came over and opened the door for you. It was something he'd always done when you were younger, as his mom had instilled those gentlemanly courtesies in him. It was weird being in the car with him again. Part of you kept waiting for him to grab your hand and hold it like he used to and you found yourself glancing down every so often at his large fingers gripping the gearshift instead of your hand.

 He pointed out different landmarks as you passed and told you that despite what the navigation system said this was the fastest way to get to downtown from your house. The two of you chatted the whole entire time, while the music played softly in the background. "So, you're going to want to use this gate." Jamie was saying right as his playlist changed to a song from the movie Frozen.

 "So, are you are an Anna or an Elsa fan?" you teased.

 "What?" It was then that he realized what was playing, and quickly changed the song. "I have that on here for my niece."

 He pulled into the players' parking spot, "Uh huh, sure Jame. Admit it you like the movie." He shut the car off and you both got out.

 "I may have watched it with Soph once," he said sheepishly and your heart warmed at the idea of him sitting there with the little girl watching one of Disney's hit movies. You always knew that he would make a great dad, and having that song just proved it.

 You were walking side by side now and you couldn't resist dancing around him, while you sang the lyrics. "Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore." You were walking backward not having a clue where you were going as you continued. "Come on Jame, sing with me. You know you want to…Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door."

 "Stop," he chided but had a grin a mile long on his face.

 You twirled around him another time, hands dancing along his arm. "I don't care what they're going to say," you belted out; the words echoing off the cement walls around you. "Let the storm rage on…"

 "The cold never bothered me anyway." Jamie sang finally joining you. You bouncing up and down as he sang with you, not paying attention as your eyes were focused on him and not where you were going. He reached out and grabbed you right as you started to trip on a large cord that was behind you. "Careful there Elsa." Your hands went to his chest, your palm resting where his heart was racing, as his slid around your waist and pulled you in close to him. Pressed up against him, you couldn't help the urge that came over you to kiss him; he was just so close, and his eyes were smiling into yours, and it felt like the perfect moment to test the waters out. So, you slid your hands just a little further up his chest, and you raised up on your tiptoes so that your lips were mere inches from him, and then your watch chimed again; the damn thing reminding you to breathe, and the moment was lost.

 You dropped back down onto the balls of your feet but still kept that smile plastered on your face. "Thanks for saving me Olaf," you said and tapped his chest, before stepping out of his embrace.

 "Olaf? I was thinking more Kristoff."

 You tapped your finger on your chin, looking him up and down. "You're right, I was wrong. You're definitely Sven."

 "The reindeer?"

 "I knew you've watched that movie more than just once with your niece."

 You were finally at the door, and Jamie was entering a code to get into the building since there wasn't anything going on at the AAC today. "Ok, you got me, but really Sven?"

 "What's wrong with Sven? He's sweet, kind, lovable…" Shit the moment the word came out of your mouth you wanted to take it back. Of course, Jamie was lovable too but you weren't sure you were ready to be the one loving him. There was too much uncertainty in doing that just yet. You coughed trying to cover up the slip of tongue and then added, "He's also oddly quiet when there are people around. Kind of like someone else I know."

 He raked his hand through his hair, an action that your fingers longed to do. "I'm only that way around people I don't know…and the media." You knew this about him, of course, because you'd watched a few of his interviews. His answers were always clipped and short, which sometimes gave the impression he was standoffish, but then he would throw a little comment here and there and the real Jamie would come out. "But anyhow, we should be getting on with the tour."

 "Lead the way."

  JAMIE'S POV

 Had she really just called you lovable? Moreover, had she just been about to kiss you? That damn watch of hers kept beeping at the most inappropriate times and it was maddening. Something had changed since she'd practically run out of your house this morning. You weren't sure what, but she'd definitely let her guard down some, and you were all for it. You knew it was going to take baby steps to get back into her heart, but those steps seemed to be coming more and more frequently and you weren't complaining.

 You were surprised when (Y/N) agreed to the tour tonight, for you thought for sure that she'd avoid you at all cost after you had fallen asleep with her on the sofa last night. It was the last thing that you intended but she had felt so right in your arms, that you'd just let yourself get caught up in the moment. God, she looked so adorable this morning, hair messy, with her cheeks all rosy from sleeping on you, and then how she was wearing your sweats; there was nothing that you wanted more than to see her like that every day for the rest of your life. Baby steps, you reminded yourself.

 The tour around the arena went pretty well. You showed her everything that you could think of, ending the tour in the training room, just as you had the other day. She was taking everything in, noticing that Dave and his crew had implemented all the ideas she had talked about the other day. "Everything look ok?"

 "Oh yeah, they did an amazing job." She was opening drawers and checking supplies.

 "Well, I guess that's the end of the tour then." You glanced down at your watch to notice that it was almost six o'clock. You were definitely going to hit rush hour traffic. "If we head out now, it'll probably take us an hour to get home. Maybe a little less, if I hurry."

 "Oh, do you have to be some place?"

 "Um…no. Why?"

 "Well, you're all dressed up, thought maybe you had a hot date or something." There was a tremble in her voice that usually wasn't there, and you had to wonder if she asked the question in hopes that you weren't seeing anyone.

 "No, no hot date. I actually…" Shit, now it was your turn to get all tongue-tied. "Well, I mean…I thought we could have dinner downtown here and really celebrate your big surgery."

 "Oh!" There was a bit of shock in her voice. "I mean last night was perfect. You don't have to take me to dinner, after everything you did."

 You raked your hands through your hair again. It was a bad nervous habit, that served as a distraction while you tried to think of something to say. This time there was nothing clever that came to mind. "What if I want to take you to dinner?"

 The corner of her lip picked up on the right side of her face, that was the first sign she gave, telling you that she liked the idea. It got you excited that she might just agree, to the plan you had, but then it seemed like she was getting into her head, as she took a moment to think about your offer. "You know what?" It wasn't really a question, so you remained quiet. "Dinner sounds amazing, but only on one condition." You cocked a brow at her, silently asking what that was. "I get to buy."

 "Oh no, I asked you out." Oh shit, that came out wrong, you didn't mean it to sound like you'd asked her out on a date, that for sure would scare her away. "Besides my mom would kill me if she found out I let you pay," you quickly added hoping that it would cover up your blunder.

 "Hmm," she mused. "I guess we'll just have to see who has the quicker hands when the check comes then." That sure sounded like a yes to you.

 "You're on, but I plan on winning."

 "We'll see," she said as she headed out the door of the training room. "Now, let me see if I can remember how to get out of here." She led the way out to the car and you only had to direct her one time, which was pretty good considering it took you a week to find your way around the place.

 The restaurant was one of the finest Dallas had to offer, and one of the main reasons why you didn't want (Y/N) paying, though you were sure that wouldn't deter her from trying. Being that you weren't sure if (Y/N) was going to say yes to dinner, you didn't have a reservation, though when you slipped the maître d a hundred-dollar bill and your name; you were suddenly shown the nicest table in the place, one that was quiet and out of the way. Conversation between you and (Y/N) flowed easily, as did the wine, though you made sure not to drink too much as you'd be driving the two of you home. It also helped you grab the check when the waiter brought it at the end of the night.

 "That's not fair." (Y/N) chided as your long arms reached out and snagged the leather pouch out of the man's hands, who looked a bit taken back by the action.

 "You said whoever had the fastest hands."

 "Yes, but I clearly had more wine than you, which limited my ability, and now I'm convinced you did that on purpose." She was always so adorable when she pouted, but right now you just wanted to kiss those pursed lips and you were having a hard time holding yourself back from doing just that.

 "One of us needed to drive home, but you didn't protest when I poured that last glass."

 "Well, it clearly didn't help my motor skills that's for sure. Though please mark it down, that I am paying next time." Next time? So, she planned on going out with you again. You were making more headway than you thought.

 You decided to forge ahead while she was in such a good mood, as you were coming close to running out of excuses for the two of you to get together. "And when would this next time be?"

 "Um, I'll have to check my schedule, but maybe I could cook you dinner next week. You know as maybe a thank you for helping me." She sat there across from you with this shy little smile playing across her lips. The look all too tantalizing, for it was doing things that it shouldn't to your nether regions.

 "Dinner at your place huh? Sounds like an offer I can't refuse." You paid the bill and then the two of you headed out. The drive back was fun, as the two of you continued with your flirtatious banter the whole way home. When you turned onto your street, disappointment reared its ugly head as the night was coming to an end. You wanted to spend more time with her. Hell, if you were being realistic you want her to fall asleep in your arms again so you could hold her all night long. You pulled into the garage, then got out of the car to help (Y/N) out.

 "Thanks for everything today, Jame. Including dinner which I was supposed to pay for."

 "You know I can run some drills with you to sharpen your hand-eye coordination if you want." There were also some other drills you'd like to be doing with her in the bedroom.

 "Well, I may just take you up on that." The two of you were standing in the driveway, not knowing how to end the night. If this was truly a date, you'd walk her home and maybe kiss her, but would she smack you if you tried that now? "I should be getting home. Thanks again for everything." She started down the drive, walking at a leisurely pace.

 "Hey (Y/NN)," you called out and she turned back towards you as you trotted up beside her. "Can I walk you home?" She gave you a curious look, and it did sound rather funny considering she lived only two doors down, but you weren't ready for your time with her to end just yet.

 You were just about to stumble through how it was just for safety, when she said, "Sure." You smiled at her and the two of you started the extremely short walk to her house. "You know, tonight was a lot of fun."

 "Yeah, it really was." You wanted to say it reminded you of old times, but you didn't want to bring up the bad ones that also went with that. "We should do it more often."

 "I'd like that." (Y/N) was shocking you at every turn tonight and you weren't sure what mystical force was in the air but you prayed that it didn't go away and make her hate you again. A comfortable silence fell over you both, it was one that you had with her long ago, though back then it was as if you could read each other thoughts. Now, you weren't sure what was going on in that complex mind of hers but if it continued to lead her on a path towards you; you weren't going to question it.

 You were just about to her front door, and damn if that didn't feel as if the two of you were speed walking over, even though you were strolling at a leisurely pace. Again, you searched for something so that you wouldn't have to leave her company just yet. "Hey, how's your patient doing? The one who's leg you saved."

 "Really great actually. I stopped in right before I left. He's got a long road ahead of him, but he was in really good spirits today."

 "All because of you."

 "I wouldn't go that far."

 "I would." She blushed at the compliment, as you finally made it to the front door.

 "Well, this is me." She said with a cute little smile and a shrug of her shoulder.

 There was really nothing more you could say to keep you at her front door, so you found yourself saying, "I guess my duty is fulfilled…now that you're safe at home and all."

 "So it seems." Was that a hint of reluctance you heard in her voice? Was she as sad to see the night end as you were? "Thanks again, Jame. It was fun." She entered the code to get in the house, unlocking the door and opening it. What she did next almost had you falling over, as she went up on her toes and placed a chaste kiss on your cheek. "Goodnight, Jame."

 A smile so bright, it could've lit up all of Dallas, appeared on your face, and she ducked inside right as you said. "Goodnight, (Y/NN)." As soon as the door closed, you pressed a hand to your cheek making sure that what had just happened was real and not something that you imagined. It had been real alright, and you felt like you were fifteen again, all giddy at the thought that the girl you liked, liked you back.

 Thank goodness, you only lived two doors down as you don't remember how you got back inside your own home, but there you were standing in front of the bathroom mirror grinning like a fool as you looked at the spot (Y/N) had just kissed. Now more than ever, you couldn't wait to see her again. Unfortunately, you had no excuse to call her this time or no definite date of when you'd see her again, just a promise that the two of you would have dinner again soon. While you looked forward to that, you wished that it would be happening sooner rather than later. You'd just have to come up with a plan.

 It seemed fate had your back this time though, as the following evening found her knocking on your door. "I hate to do this, but can I come in?" (Y/N) asked as she stood outside in the pouring rain, looking like a drowned rat. Well, maybe not a rat, but a very cute wet puppy for sure.

 "Yeah, sure." You said stepping aside as a loud crack of thunder sounded in the air.

 "I'm sorry to do this, but the code to the house isn't working and I left my phone, and my bag, at Jessi's when I was taking out her stitches." She stood there dripping wet in your foyer. "If I could just use your phone to call her, I'll run back over there."

 "Run? Where's your car?"

 "Locked, in the garage. I didn't realize it was going to storm and had just walked over there. I was almost home when it started."

 "Let me grab you a towel." You went and grabbed one out of the guest bathroom downstairs, then handed it to her to dry off. "I'll call Jess for you, but you're not running back over there. I'll drive you."

 She gave you a smile, before toweling off her hair. "Thank you."

 You went to the kitchen to grab your phone and call your soon to be sister-in-law. "Hey, Jess."

 "Hey, Chubbs, what's up?" Jess replied.

 "(Y/N) locked herself out of the house and I guess she left her stuff at your place. I was going to drive her over so she could get it if that's ok."

 There was silence on the other end of the phone and you were wondering if the two of you got disconnected or something with the storm. "Hmmm," she finally mumbled. "I'm going to do you a huge favor here and tell you I'm not home, even though I totally am."

 "What?"

 "You know I love you, but you're so dense sometimes." How were you the one that was dumb when she didn't make any sense? "Tell (Y/N) that I had to run to a friend's house and you're not sure when I'll be home with the storm. That way the two of you can spend a little more time together."

 "Oh," you said as you finally caught on to her plan.

 "You owe me one. Tell her I'll call you when I get back, which probably won't be for a while." You'd take all the time that you could get with (Y/N). "If you don't answer, I'll take that as a good sign." You could almost see her winking at you through the phone.

 "Thank Jess. You're literally the best."

 "I know," she quipped back, then hung up the phone.

 You went back out to where (Y/N) was standing in your entryway. "Apparently, Jess took off to a friend's house the minute you left. She said she's didn't realize you left your stuff or she would've dropped it off. She's going to call when she gets back, but it's going to be a bit with the storm."

 "Oh," (Y/N) stood there a little shocked, not knowing what to do. "Well, maybe if I go try the code again it will work."

 Another crack of thunder, with streaks of lightning, filled the sky. "(Y/N), you are not going back over there in the rain. Just stay here until the storm dies down. They usually pass pretty quick." But then again, sometimes they didn't and this was one you were hoping would stick around for at least a few more hours.

[bastillewolf]

The Grand Tranquility Hotel (IV)

Pairing: Alex Turner/Reader

Summary: An eccentric hotel owner and an inquisitive writer find solace in each other when they both seemed to be at the edge of rock bottom.

Notes: Continuous angst and drama, but I promise next chapter Alex will show some of his better side. Love you lots for the wonderful feedback!

Let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list.

Chapter IV - Four Out Of Five

“Today is not just a day of celebration. It’s a day of gratitude. It’s a day where we realize our accomplishments were not only made by ourselves, but through the support of the people around us. When I built this hotel, I vowed to each of my guests that they would always have a room here, that they could place their trust in me. And in turn, I placed my trust in them. Without you, my guests, my friends, my family, I wouldn’t have been able to host this gathering. Because of you, this hotel got an exceptional rating that made not only our staff proud, but the entire country.”

There was a round of applause echoing through the large room, while a few local reporters took the moment to snap a few pictures. It quieted down again when Alex cleared his throat and raised his hand.

“I especially wanted to thank someone in particular. She is unfortunately no longer with us, but we will always remember her as one of our most esteemed guests who visited this hotel since it first opened. She’d written me a personal letter saying she had this wonderful young man who was very willing to come and work for me, who I now see as one of my most trusted employees. I am so grateful to have known her and am honoured to have her daughter remembering her amongst us tonight.”

He raised his glass, along with everyone else in the room, and held a toast to her mother’s name. All she could do was play along with a frown. Alex Turner was not the man she’d expected him to be. It all felt very forced.

“This hotel… It might hibernate from time to time, sink back into the swamp. I think the cyclical nature of the universe in which it exists demands that acquiesce to some of its rules. But we’re always waiting there, just around the corner, ready to make our way back through the sludge and smash through the glass ceiling, looking better than ever. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Have a nice night, cheers.”

The last part of his speech seemed oddly specific and she could tell it was a pointed remark. She just wasn’t sure who it was directed towards. Turner didn’t wait for the second round of applause to get off the stage, instead opting to immediately grab a flute of champagne from a tray one of the waiters was holding. “He can be so dramatic sometimes,” someone to her right chuckled.

Glancing over, her eyes found the face of a man she’d probably describe to have the most British face ever. Not unattractive in any way, his hair cut short and his hazel eyes locking hers in a warm and kind-hearted sort of embrace that made her feel immediately at ease. “You’re Miles Kane,” she blurted out. He smiled, “Correct. And you must be the ‘honoured’ guest I’ve been hearing so much about.”

“Only good things, I hope,” she said with a strained chuckle. “Only good things,” he winked. The corners of her mouth quirked up. She now understood why people chose him to be mayor, even if it was only because of his charisma. “I presume you already knew about the hotel review as well?” she continued curiously. He nodded, “They asked me to give a bit of a statement for the papers. Alex told me beforehand, though.” She hummed in interest, while her thoughts wandered back to that morning where she’d only then found out about the cause of the night’s celebration.

She’d casually strolled into the dining hall where most tables had either been removed or pushed against the walls of the room. At the back, the big stage had been cleared out and now only held a microphone and a few chairs. “You look happy today,” she commented, taking a seat at their usual spot. Matt looked up at her, silently sipping his coffee as he slid a newspaper towards her.

‘The Grand Tranquility Hotel was well reviewed; rated an exemplary four stars out of five. Mayor Kane states his joy, proclaiming “it’s unheard of.”’

She smiled, “That’s fantastic! Congratulations, Matthew.” Matt waved his hand bashfully at her. “So, that’s what the whole ‘gathering’ is about. Did you already know about all of this?” “I did,” he answered, “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, miss. Mister Turner was pretty set on keeping things private until everything was set to go.” “That’s quite alright,” she replied. However, deep down she knew the predominant reason why no one had told her, thinking back to the argument she’d had with the hotel owner just the night before. They didn’t trust her, no matter how kind they were being.

“Speaking of, how are the preparations getting along?” she wondered. Matt sighed and set his fork which was still piercing a heaping amount of eggs back down on his plate. “In all honesty, miss, there’s still so much that has to be done. Nick is out looking for more temporary personnel after some cancelled at the last minute, Jamie’s preparing everything in the kitchen and you already know what kind of chaos it’s like when he’s stressed and I’m just making a list of the things I still need to figure out before the gathering. We’re not used to doing this sort of thing with a limited amount of staff, so we’re all a bit disconcerted.”

She glanced down at the notepad he had been scribbling on. “Then allow me to help. I might not be an expert party planner, but half of the things you’ve mentioned on there I can manage.” Matt shook his head, but before he could protest, she shot him a strict look. “Look, I’m offering you my services here, like you offered yours. I won’t tell mister Turner a thing and if he does find out for some reason, I’ll just tell him I was helping a friend out.” He smiled at that. “Alright then,” he finally agreed, “But you’ll have to promise me Alex doesn’t notice anything.”

And with that, she spent the afternoon moving furniture, decorating, dusting, vacuuming, tidying and all the works. She’d even aided Jamie after he’d had a breakdown over accidentally burning the cake that was sitting in the smoking oven. Using one of her mother’s trusted recipes, she’d baked him a new one that had tiers, icing and everything while he continued working on the appetizers. It resulted in him spinning her around and giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

She glanced over where her creation now stood proud and tall on a pedestal. Well, proud and tall with heaping chunks missing from it. “Jamie really outdid himself this time,” Miles commented, taking a bite of the sponge on his plate, “This cake is the best I’ve ever had.” She didn’t argue with him, because she felt Jamie deserved more credit for his work. Even if it wasn’t exactly his.

Her eyes roamed over the assorted crowd. They were what she’d expected them to be; stereotypically ritzy and exuding money. She wondered if that’s why Matt, Nick and Jamie were so adamant on letting her know she was too kind to them, because all other folks they had to deal with were like these. They weren’t the type of people to have a normal chat. Oh no, these were the personas who whispered and were opinionated about everything. When you’re so filthy rich you only hang out with the wealthy who are as impeccable as you, all forms of judgement you’ve got left is directed nit-picking and slanderous gossip.

She heard people comment on her dress, hair, makeup, she could name it all. But none who reported it directly to her. It was just loud enough so she would think it was a whisper and she wouldn’t be sure who it was from.

It was while wandering around when she finally heard comments that weren’t being made about her, but about something that most definitely interested her.

She reached for a glass from a waiter and smiled to him in thanks as she casually pretended to look for someone in the crowd while her ears picked up the conversation happening behind her.

“You know what I think?” A woman muttered, “I think this whole night is just a charity cause. He’s trying to petty us into giving him funds so he can continue his bland excuse of a hotel.” Another man  joined in, “I don’t think that’s true. Did you hear his speech? He’s trying to cover up the fact he’s going bankrupt. His little act of intimidation was rather mournful, though.”

“He’s trying to cover up a lot of things, from what I’ve heard,” the same woman stated as a matter-of-factly. She let a short, yet effective pause draw out to spark their interest, before she continued. “A little birdie told me that the poor fellow got his heart broken. Got addicted to gambling because of it, lost all his funding and then some in one night.” They gasped dramatically, and she’d heard enough.

Like the person who had been observing her from across the room, had seen enough.

She came across Matt as she moved towards the exit, who gave her a questioning look, to which she simply responded that she was tired from everything the day had brought her. “I understand, ma’am,” he said, before he gave a small smile, “I can’t explain how grateful I am-“ “Don’t worry,” she interrupted him, “Like I said, I was just helping out a friend.” She gave his arm a kind squeeze.

He called after her, “Oh, if you see Alex, tell him I’m looking for him! I’ve been finding too many empty glasses where I’ve seen him.”

As she closed the door of the hall behind her, a wave of silence washed over her like a cold breeze. She had a headache and she was sure it wasn’t because of the champagne. A walk would do her some good.

It was as if her feet had known what she was thinking, because she found herself in front of the picture with her mother in it. She actually found some of the faces to be familiar now, probably through having passed them during the party. Her eyes moved back to inspect the man between Matt and Jamie. It was a gut feeling that told her she should find out more about this particular person.

She heard the shuffling of feet beside her, but she’d half-expected the noise so she didn’t even flinch. “Got enough material for your book?” He slurred.

She blinked at Alex, the little respect she’d held for him slowly but surely dripping away like water from a tap that’s been leaking. “How could I have enough material when you won’t even tell me anything about your bloody hotel?” she shot back.

He scoffed, leaning against the wall. He clearly wasn’t sober enough to keep his balance. “You don’t need me to find out about all the details now, do you? You’ve clearly been making your own assumptions through the stories from my loyal guests.”

She raised her brows in surprise as she took a daring step towards him. “Have you been spying on me?”

“Being able to observe people is a real writer’s trait, is it not? Always keen on finding the truth, even when it’s been covered by decades of dust and grime. It’s what makes for a good book.” He pushed himself forward until he was directly in front of her. He smelled like cigarettes and expensive whiskey. “The only thing you’ve done so far is brush the surface of that grave. You’re just another cheap journalist looking for a good story to get your job back.”

His words stung and before she knew it, so did her hand.

She really hadn’t meant to slap him. She wasn’t one to slap people. Yet, it had been her body’s first instinct. It was as if a gravitational force had pulled her palm to his cheek in a very violent way. She could’ve just held his face for all she knew, if it hadn’t been for the anger rushing through her in that particular moment, inducing her decision-making to be more erratic.

He almost didn’t seem fazed at all. He just looked at her. And in the flicker of a moment, she thought she’d seen an ounce of remorse in his eyes. It was right before they turned stone cold again.

“Leave,” he hissed. She was at a loss for words. When he got no response, he audibly made his request clearer. “Leave. You’ll pack your things. And you’ll be leaving, tonight.”

“She’s not going anywhere,” a voice proclaimed from behind him. She turned to look at Matthew, who was joined by Jamie and a distressed-looking Nick. Miles stepped out from the hall as well, closing the doors behind him to give them some form of privacy.

“Our guest has decided to shorten her stay with us,” Alex stated, his eyes not leaving hers, “If you could take her to the train station in a bit, Matthew.”

“The hour is late, Alex. There won’t be a train till morning,” Matt simply replied. “Then you can drive her all the way back home, if you must,” Alex snarled, while running a hand through his dark hair.

“I’m sorry, Alex. But she’s staying.”

Matt didn’t hold his usual backtalk. It seemed he was more tired and disappointed than angry. When Alex realized none of his friends were going to take his side, - not even Miles made a comment - he stormed back into the dining hall and slammed the door. She could distantly hear him yelling, telling everyone the party’s over. When he was done and people started shuffling out, he disappeared around a corner.

She noticed Matt’s jaw clench as Miles let out a deep sigh. “I think it’s best if I stay around for a while,” he simply said. As Nick led him to the front desk to hand him a key, Matt placed an arm around her shoulder while his eyes remained directed towards the same hallway Alex had drunkenly stumbled off through. “Come on, miss. Let’s get you back to your room. It’s been a long night.”

[minaminokyoko]

A Love Letter to ‘Knives Out’

Disclaimer: This isn’t even a review. This is literally just me freaking out about what a great movie I just bloody watched and I just need to vomit words everywhere about it. Sorry in advance.

I think the best thing ever is I went into this with zero information. I remember seeing the original trailer months ago, but it wasn’t detailed. Just the short one of the premise, and to be honest, I’m not really into Whodunits. Clue is one of the exceptions and Castle is the only detective-related thing I’ve ever liked and followed religiously (up until the final godawful two seasons), so I have no predisposition to even care about murder mysteries. But then Rian Johnson dangled the juicy carrot of Chris Evans playing against type (because we all know the man is a sweetie and I can personally vouch that he’s great at hugs) and so I decided to add it to my watchlist. Then the reviews came pouring in that it was great, which surprised me, and so I decided to take a leap of faith to see if the hype was real.

Oh God, was it ever.

Y’all know me by now. I’m a hard, cynical old bitch. It’s tough to impress me, but fucking hell, I really loved Knives Out.

It’s not that it does anything new; it’s that it is a fresh, creative spin on tropes we’re used to and it’s also the strong performances that just make it a delightful film. It’s kooky and dark and offbeat. It’s charming. It’s wonderfully political. It’s irreverent. This is the niche kind of writing that I adore. It’s why I’ve loved shows like Frasier or movies like Snatch. I love the interwoven mess between the plot and the characters and everything coming to light in a big explosion.

Spoilers down below for my talking points, naturally.

I want to start with Marta, simply because I love how this movie framed the character as innocent, but not stupid, useless, or weak. I love that she had a great relationship with Harlan. I love that Harlan didn’t have any evil ulterior motives. It was simply a man who looked around and realized that he thought he was providing for his family but all he really was doing was supporting selfish, downright cruel people. That family basically just siphoned off of him and had the entitlement complex that is currently killing this country right this fucking second. It was very satisfying when he left them nothing and gave Marta the money and the choice of what to do. The final shot of the movie is genius.

Which segways into probably my second favorite thing about the movie: the commentary about the entitled upperclass versus the working class immigrant. The whole Trump debate during the party made me groan because we all just wrapped up three holidays, so I know that people were having to go home for the holidays and listen to the broken-ass logic of their Trump supporter relatives. Especially since they dragged Marta into the bullshit conversation. I LOVE the writing of having this girl who busted her ass, who listened, who was a genuinely good person, still being able to be a good person in the end after one hell of an ordeal. I loved how the movie poked all kinds of holes in the fake narrative of inheritance and immigration and patriotism. Fuck that. This country isn’t some holy land. This country was stolen from the people who were born here and then they built a fake fucking pedestal on top of the mass graves and proclaimed it theirs. Fuck that revision history and fuck the people who believe these lies. This movie is so satisfying because it’s a giant middle finger to those people and it’s a reminder that the future is these hardworking, kind people who care about society and they are the ones who have earned all the good things this country has to offer.

I also love the examples of bigotry and microaggressions that were more subtle. The WASPs in this movie don’t even realize the backhanded compliments and the truly insulting shit that they do since they’re so entitled. For example, Richard handing Marta his plate while he was arguing for Trump. That’s brilliantly done. He thinks of her as a servant while he pretends she’s on equal footing: saying one thing and yet his actions prove the opposite. There’s also Meg’s comment of “we’re his REAL family,” showing that those bastards all will smile and welcome you until the second you cease to be useful to them and then they show you just how truly ugly they are beneath those “civil” masks. When the will was read, it was the exact shitshow we all knew it would be. That was a great representation of the upper class. It’s not about being loud and racist; it’s all those subtle, hideous things they do to suppress people of color and the working class so they can stay on top where they think they belong. This narrative is powerfully woven in that regard and I really needed to hear this story in today’s climate, especially since we just started 2020 today, which could be the end of everything all over again. I applaud the writing. As a woman of color, I see this kind of shit every single day, especially now that I work in higher education, so I really hope it opens more eyes to the shit that not only immigrants but working class POC deal with on a daily basis. I likened it to Zootopia, where you came to the movie for one reason but then you were served an absolutely piping hot side dish alongside the entrée. Well done, Knives Out. Well done.

I need to give a nod to this powerhouse cast as well. I forgot Michael Shannon was in this movie so seeing him made me giddy, as I’ve always liked him since he’s so damn sinister. He’s a great antagonist actor and I almost wish he’d been given more to do. Jamie Lee Curtis did great as well.

But y’all know what’s coming. I mean, look at my profile picture. You know I have to stop and talk about my future husband’s performance.

Chris Evans as a villain.

Not only that, but Chris Evans as a GREAT villain.

Oh, God, pass me the cigarette.

We all knew from his work in the MCU that the man can act his fine America’s ass off, but boy, did I really like his role here. I compare it to Chris Hemsworth in the godawful movie Bad Times at the El Royale, because while that is one of the worst movies of the decade, it was extremely smart in casting Hemsworth in the villain role. Why? Because it sold the believable factor. Chris Hemsworth is so handsome and charismatic that he COULD in fact be a creepy ass cult leader. You take one look at that man’s chest and tell me you wouldn’t fight a smelly hippie to jump in his bed. Damn right I’d be in a Chris Hemsworth cult. Point being, Chris Evans as the handsome but cruel Hugh was phenomenal. I really enjoyed seeing everything unfold. He did such a great job. It’s all the more satisfying knowing that in real life, he’s the cutest, sweetest goofball on earth. I’m so delighted he took this role because he knocked it out of the park.

Which brings me to my next point.

I’m gonna be a basic fangirl bitch for a second here. Just hear me out.

I’d LOVE an alternate ending to this movie where Hugh didn’t do it.

I know, I know. That’s super basic and dumb and I know part of it is because I just wanted to like Hugh anyway, but it actually would be a great piece of storytelling if you changed the ending.

In this premise, Marta really did mix up the bottles and accidentally killed Harlan. Well, what I would change is that Hugh really did have a benevolent epiphany and he decides to come back to stick it to his shitass family and he figures out what Marta did and decides to help her so she’ll slip him his cut. Then the rest of the film is Hugh and Marta trying to cover the rest of their tracks so that Blanc doesn’t piece together Marta’s accidental crime. Over the course of helping her, Hugh gets to know her and they become friends, so by the time they pull it all off—mind you, I’m ambiguous in this AU, I’d be fine if the detective works it out but lets them cover it up or if they actually manage to just destroy all the evidence so he can’t convict her and he admits defeat—he’s now invested and doesn’t accept the money when she goes to pay him. Bonus points if he falls in love with her during the cover up. It’s not necessary, but I saw a couple little sparks, so I think it would be very cute if Hugh and Marta hooked up to protect each other from the horrible family and build their own empire together. But that’s me.

Trust me, this movie is brilliant as written. It doesn’t need that alternate ending. But I have to admit it got my mind churning about what a fantastic character arc it could be if Hugh hadn’t been the bad guy and he and Marta learned things about each other and formed a friendship. I’m a writer, it’s kind of a hobby, sorry. I hope I’m not the only one who thought that, but we’ll see.

I’m so glad I started 2020 with this film. It’s a rare gem. I can’t wait for it to get on DVD, because I am gonna snag it asap and watch it again. What a romp. It’s also gratifying in a petty way that J.J. Abrams went out of his way to undo Rian Johnson’s work in the Star Wars franchise and it’s backfiring majorly critically speaking meanwhile Knives Out is getting bomb ass good reviews, so good for you, Rian. Your revenge is at hand. #TEAMPETTY

I can’t recommend this hard enough. If you love murder mysteries or if you just love Clue-style quirky black comedy, please see Knives Out. It’s worth every red dime, to quote the movie.

Kyo out.

[sunshinexlollipops]

So, this is a topic a lot of Rdr2 fan writers have touched upon, but I'm curious about your thoughts on Mary Linton. Do you think she was using Arthur in the events of the game? Do you think she was selfish for not following Arthur or was she reasonable? Do you think it's fair of her to hurt Arthur by stating that "he'll never change"? And while I get the feeling you'll touch this topic in ACW, how do you think Arthur with a new S/O would handle her coming back into his life?

Ohhhhh, anon, you are wanting some tea I tell you! Good thing I just stocked up on Lipton.

So, Some if you may have read a reply about Mary Linton before and why I felt about her as the way I did, but it wasn’t this specific or mentioning of ACW, so here we go!

—————

Was Mary using Arthur?

Yes.

Love her or hate her, when you respond to Mary’s letter Arthur and meets her outside of Valentine, it becomes very clear that she lured Arthur in with her letter to save her brother, Jamie, from the chelonians (aka the weird turtle cult).

She admits this by saying Arthur is the only person she knows who can help, and she begs him to go and get Jamie back, despite how upset you can tell Arthur is at the prospect.

He makes it obvious when he tells her how he’s not good enough to be her husband, but is perfect to be her knight in shining armor. He even almost leaves before the player is given the choice to help Mary or not.

This continues on with the mission involving her father in Saint Denis, when you have to get back Mary’s broach after her father sells it for drinking and gambling money.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Mary knows Arthur is fiercely loyal. He is one of the most dedicated characters, and he has made many sacrifices over the years that have cost him so much, with even Mary being one of them.

She knows that, and he does. Arthur writes about how Mary can “play him like a fiddle” and “like no one else.” He knows he’s being used, that he’s just falling down the rabbit hole again and he knows where it ends.

But he will always come when Mary calls. Always.

Granted, near the last mission, it is obvious Mary cares for him too. That their spark was never quite snuffed out.

The problem is that the ended for a reason, and no matter how much time passes or what they long for, they are both too stubborn to really compromise for one another.

Saying this though, Arthur did want to leave the gang to be with her if you continue with her side missions, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

It never was, and they both know that.

It’s just a matter of actually admitting it to themselves and each other.

Was she selfish or reasonable when she left?

I would say there is SOME reason in Mary initially rejecting Arthur, but there is a catch that makes it not entirely pure.

It is understandable if Mary broke her engagement off with Arthur if it had solely been about him running with Dutch and remaining an outlaw, but it wasn’t.

It’s stated in the game that the main reason Mary and Arthur split was because of Mary’s father and his intolerance of Arthur, and the hypocrisy of it all.

Arthur hates Mary’s father. And for good reason.

Arthur isn’t a good man, but he is honest about it. He never hid what he was from Mary, and she knew when they got together that he was in the Van Der Linde gang and what he did in it.

But that didn’t matter until Mary’s father put his foot down, saying Mary had no reason to be with someone like Arthur.

It would be rational if his reasoning was that Arthur was too dangerous with his lifestyle for Mary, but it mainly came down to a battle of morals.

Mary’s father views Arthur as scum, a criminal not worthy of his daughter. He constantly drags Arthur into the dirt, and places himself and his daughter up on a pedestal that he deems unreachable by the likes of Arthur.

The problem is, Mary’s father is just as crooked as Arthur in some ways.

He’s a drunkard, a liar, a thief.

While you can argue we don’t know much about him, we do know just from the mission in Saint Denis that heals Mary’s belongings to sell them so he can continuously fuel his addictions at a cost to his family.

The way he talks to Arthur is condescending, and you can tell that there is definitely a war of egos going on between the two men.

It’s pretty much just a pissing war, with Arthur being the main target with even Mary taking jabs at him, and refusing to acknowledge he flaws in her father.

Ultimately, it is why they split.

And that’s why her leaving Arthur isn’t as reasonable as it could be if her intentions were solely based on the clash between her father and Arthur, and her denial to see that her father was only ever calling the kettle black.

I wouldn’t necessarily label it as selfish until she demands that Arthur change, when she can’t even admit that her father isn’t as great as he’s made out to be.

Was it fair of her to tell Arthur he could never change?

Okay, so I do want to say this before I get into the logistics of Mary saying that to Arthur: this game is focused on showing us redemption.

Arthur the entire game, Arthur is reflecting and figuring out if the man he is now is the man he wants to be.

Mary saying this line was assuredly to drive home Arthur’s will to change for the better, or to overall look at himself and know that something needed to be done.

So I wouldn’t entirely say it was all on Mary for that line— it was definitely a ploy by the writers for their overall message in the game.

However, they chose Mary as a conduit to relay this because she is from Arthur’s past, and the reason why they split was, as she says, because Arthur wasn’t willing to part with the gang and change for her.

Once upon a time it may have been true, but things were different. I doubt Dutch was the man we came to know, even in the prequel, and things weren’t going to hell as they were. It was the calm before the storm, so why would Arthur think he needed to pack up and leave when everything was just fine?

But the changes in Dutch and the changes in the world that were driving the life an outlaw to extinction have Arthur reconsidering everything, even before we play. There is doubts being voiced with Arthur as soon as chapter one, and that alone speaks of a great shift within him.

He isn’t blind anymore. He can’t afford to be.

And he sure as hell isnt blind when it comes to himself.

We see how Arthur is changing from the very beginning, and we can tell that he is thinking differently and wondering if this life is worth it anymore.

When Mary says Arthur cannot change, she is only refusing to see what is really happening, like with her father.

As I wrote in another post, she calls upon Arthur and uses him because he is he only person she thinks she can go to when Jamie needs saved, and when her father does too.

She keeps Arthur around and on a string because of what he is. She doesn’t expect him to change because what she asks of him is the very thing she criticizes him for.

And as I said, you cannot expect someone to change when you keep them around for what they already are.

So no, it wasn’t fair of her to say that. Both because Arthur was capable, and she wouldn’t let him prove he did.

And what about ACW or just another significant other being with Arthur when Mary reappears?

Oh anon, I can definitely tell you that Mary will be touched upon and talked about in my fic. There’s no doubt, because Mary is one reason Arthur is the way that he is.

I don’t want to spoil much, or explain things as I intended with the story, but yes— come chapter two, expect Mary to come into the picture.

As for Arthur having a different significant other, they wouldn’t be happy.

It’s obvious that Arthur isn’t over her, that he never quite can be. He is always loyal to her, and even with a significant other, he would more than likely still help Mary when she asked him to.

That being said, he would be able to admit that what they had has passed, and if Mary does express interest, Arthur would just smile sadly at her and tell her it’s a while too late.

He will remain kind to her, but he wouldn’t jeopardize his new relationship over something he knows won’t work out, and is wrong like that.

Of course, there would more than likely be fights between Arthur and his partner. Lingering jealousy, fear of him being unfaithful— of something rekindling.

Him still offering to help Mary won’t help the situation, but it is going to be up to his partner if they want to see through to his intentions.

Which isn’t anything romantic with Mary. For him, it’s a principle thing.

Because his heart is with his partner, no matter what. But he would not leave Mary out to dry just because it no longer lies with her.

With ACW, we’ll see this play out, and I’m pretty excited to portray the tension and conflict when it comes to Mary’s sudden reappearance and calling on Arthur.

So, looks like that’s it! Thanks for the submission, anon!

Hoped this answered all your questions! If not, of if you have any more, just hit the inbox up again. ;)

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 409

This episode did so many things right! And it did so many things in ways that made me ragey with how easily things could have been done right if they just admitted this part of the book is trash!

Dive under the cut if you want, but no one’s making you so don’t @ me if you don’t agree...

They Sansa Stark’ed Bree when she was being raped and now they’re Sansa Stark’ing her in the aftermath. This isn’t about fucking Lizzie, show. This never should have even happened but now we’re stuck accepting the shit choice you made.

Yes, Lizzie causes a fucking dumb af thing later. But right now it looks like they’re making the aftermath of Bree’s rape about someone else.

Seriously, this is not a good show.

But props where they’re due, Sophie has gotten significantly better at acting this season. And last week and this week she’s actually been good enough to not take me out of the scene when I’m watching. So yay for that?

Oh fuck off, Roger. You’re still the worst. But this show appears to not care that you’re the worst and wants us to ship you with Bree. Which makes me side-eye the fuck out of the writers. Because wtaf.

This show gives me whiplash. Like are we supposed to watch the current episode (whatever the current one is) through the lens of whatever the last episode was? Or are we supposed to throw out whatever happened in the last episode and just take the current one at face value? Because those two things are usually not compatible.

Guys I swear I liked some parts of this episode, but Outlander is such a shit show/shitshow at this point that it’s basically impossible to come away with an overall positive feeling. At least for me.

Oh, Lizzie’s been ill? Does Lizzie have malaria? Because clearly it’s important to shoehorn in book nonsense when it doesn’t make sense and isn’t shown in the show. FFS.

Someone hire a new showrunner. For the love of fuck.

Anyone else hoping Roger is never heard from again after he sails off with the Gloriana? No? Just me? Fuck this show for assuming we’ll ship a toxic couple just because it’s book canon. 

Book!Roger is mostly crap too, tbh.

Literalol at Bree being like oh, some rando lady cut into a dude in a theater? Yep, that’s my mom.

Did we really have to have Jamie peeing? Fucking really? Le sigh.

It’s Matt fucking I-Love-The-Books-Even-Though-They-Are-Mostly-Shit-Praise-Me-For-My-Copy-And-Paste-Skills Roberts. Of Course this is verbatim from the books. Ugh.

“I hadna though of you as grown, except I literally had photos of you looking exactly like you do now. So I know exactly what you look like.”

Jamie has seen Bree’s fucking picture as an adult. And with Claire, Murtagh, Lord John, Willie and even fucking Geillis having come back into his life unexpectedly, it makes no sense that he wouldn’t recognize her. 

I hate that this is straight from the book.

It’s well acted and shit, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.

Everything after him not recognizing her is great though. Basically I’m here for the hug.

Balfe and Skelton own this episode.

Jamie being personally offended by the printer’s shoddy work on their obituary gives me life. 

Oh, apparently they have settlers on the Ridge now? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Young Ian being like “yeah, I’m used to your absurdity, Auntie Claire” is my everything.

I really want him and Bree to bond. But not have him do the creepy proposal thing. Please cut that, show.

Claire is like “are you fucking kidding me, Roger bounced after one fight?!”

Claire knowing Roger is a twat makes me hope she’s the one who rips him a new one when they eventually get him back, tbh. Because yeah, Roger is a fucking asshat.

Own that you fucked up and stay to make it right, fuckwad. Don’t...be you, apparently.

Fuck them for making Bree go through an unnecessary rape and fuck them for making her feel extra awful because Claire has already replaced the ring she was raped over.

I know I have to accept that they’re following the book but ffs, the show we could have had would have been so much more interesting than the show we’re getting.

“Because the books” is literally my least favorite reason for the show doing anything. If it’s in the book and it’s included in the show, it should be because it’s a good story, not “because it’s in the book.”

These scenes with Jamie and Claire make me miss Jamie and Claire. They’ve been reduced to like a fraction of what they were this season, and as much as I love the cutesy shit, I miss the passionate Frasers I fell in love with.

That being said, I 100% would totes watch a webseries about the Frasers’ annual Fire Day Funtimes. But for real, the fire is in January? Frasers. Just throw out your tree the day after Christmas instead of keeping it too long so it gets all dried out and burns your house down.

“Look at our beautiful green screen, daughter!” “I love this green screen! It’s a green screen I could only imagine from my history books!”

Claire saying Jamie is used to random references about the future when Bree feels bad about her Daniel Boone tangent is my everything.

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?” Y’ALL I LOVE THIS LINE SO FUCKING MUCH. BREE HAS FAMILY WHO LOVE HER EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE NEVER MET HER AND THEY’RE NOT GOING TO USE HER AS A PAWN TO HURT ANYONE ELSE AND I REALLY HOPE AT SOME POINT WE GET MORE BREE AND MURTAGH.

MURTAGH BEING A PROUD PAPA BEAR ABOUT BREE IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD.

The scene at dinner is all I ever wanted. Fuck plot sometimes. This scene of a fucking family eating together and telling embarrassing yet endearing stories is fucking perfection. I mean, sure Dougal’s family is a convenient plot device, but whatever. I AM HERE FOR MURTZ TELLING EMBARRASSING STORIES ABOUT JAMIE, AND BREE AND YOUNG IAN LOL’ING ABOUT IT AND CLAIRE BEING LIKE O RLY YOU COUSIN KISSER YOU.

I need Bree to meet Fergus and Marsali. Fergus is the OG Fraser kid and knows what it’s like to have parents who aren’t biologically his but are 100% loving regardless. And has seen Jamie and Claire at their best and at their worst and is literally an amazing character witness who can tell Bree what’s up. And Marsali is not just another young mother who can relate on that level, but also has seen a bad marriage and can empathize with Bree’s childhood. Like Marsali saw Jamie in a shitty marriage where he tried his hardest and failed to make Laoghaire happy. And Bree saw Claire try to do the same with Fred. And Marsali was hesitant with Claire at first because she loves her mom even though her mom is a crazy bitch. And Bree is hesitant with Jamie even though she should def realize by now that Fred was straight up abusive trash.

I just need Bree and Fergus and Marsali to meet and bond, ok. 

I was 100% expecting someone to make a future reference as soon as Young Ian left and I thought it would be Murtz but yay that it’s Claire historically fangirling.

But ugh, fuck the writers for including Bree’s rape. Red flags for days that she isn’t fangirling over G-Dub.

Lizzie has malaria because “the book” but they don’t ever actually show her being sick. Because it’s not actually important to the story. Fuck them for always including extraneous shit like this when it doesn’t matter with the story they’re telling.

“Daddy knew. That you came back. I saw the obituary on his desk years ago. I didn’t realize what it was at the time, but...I remembered it recently when I found it again myself. He knew you came back to Jamie. But I still went to his grave and said he was my hero. Even though I rightfully kicked Roger to the curb for doing the same thing. Because it’s impossible for the writers of this show to admit that Fred is trash.”

ETA -- An anon pointed out that she said that at what was probs Frank’s funeral since the grave was fresh and didn’t know anything about time travel yet. But still. I stand by what I said after that episode aired, that line was dumb for other reasons too.

Seriously though, Bree ditches Roger for not telling her about Claire dying in the past, but Frank, who knew about it and chose to not tell Claire about it, is her fucking hero? Fuck all the way off, show. Like seriously, she’s telling fucking Claire that Fred knew like it’s not the same fucking reason why she sent Fred Jr packing. I cannot even.

Bree better fucking get there eventually. Because holy shit the fact that she doesn’t get how awful Frank is at this point makes me want to hate her. 

It’s ok to think a parent is trash, Bree. You owe them fucking nothing. And if they try to make you feel like you do, that’s just more proof that they’re garbage.

And don’t @ me with shit about how he was always nice to her so she didn’t notice. You fucking notice when someone in your life is shit to someone else in your life even if they’re nice to you. You fucking notice.

And if somehow you don’t notice and someone else says they were epically shitty to them, guess what, you should believe that person. Because no one makes this shit up for lols. Standing by shitty people just because they weren’t shitty to you specifically makes you a shitty person.

Ugh. I hate this show and the people who make it sometimes.

Claire’s face when she realizes that not only did Frank emotionally abuse her and use Bree as a weapon against her for 20 years, but also *knew* that she would go back to the past and die and didn’t tell her is fucking heartbreaking.

“Frank was an astute man.” Interesting way to say “Frank was an abusive piece of shit.”

I get that she’s still trying to protect Bree from the truth about Freddy boy, but there comes a point where my girl deserves to speak her fucking truth and let her loved ones know the pain she went through.

“I can see why you had to come back to Jamie.” Really. Can you. Because if you still have Frank up on a pedestal as your hero, I really don’t think you actually get it yet. Don’t make me go back to hating you, Bree. Wake the fuck up, you’re smarter than this.

Seriously, each and every person on this show who has ever done press where they’ve claimed that Frank is a “good” man deserves to be slapped upside the head. He is awful. He is fucking absolutely, irredeemably awful. And anyone who claims he’s a good guy or that his relationship with Claire is #goals is a misogynist piece of shit.

For real, shitty choices by the writers room aside, Balfe and Skelton are so fucking good in this episode.

I’m calling bullshit that Bonnet would give Roger gemstones just because he asked. But I also don’t give a fuck about anything to do with this part of Roger’s story soooo... Moving on.

Montage!

Subtlety has never been this show’s strong suit but jfc, they’re so fucking heavy-handed with the “they’re something up with Bree” stuff this episode.

Jamie being so open about talking about Frank and letting Bree know he knows about him does so much to set him apart from the piece of shit who raised Bree. Jamie is flawed af, but he doesn’t force people to hide half of Bree’s life from her. He’s open about her truth and that’s more than Fred ever fucking did for her.

Y’all the scene with Bree, Young Ian, Murtz and Jamie at the still is fucking adorable. But only because she eventually finds out the truth about her nickname. Just tell her things in a joking manner, y’all. Bond! Be a fam!

Also the line about people calling Young Ian “Young Ian” is kinda the on the nose shit I don’t like but it’s not as egregious as the other times they’ve done it so I guess I’ll let this one slide.

Claire, same girl, we all want them to stop tiptoeing around, talking about Fred. Fred was the worst and Fred is dead. Acknowledge Fred and then fucking move on already.

Jamie looking at his sleeping kiddo makes me feel feelings.

Ok Jamie taking Bree hunting for bees is kind of my fave for so many reasons. When he takes Willie hunting, they hunt a stag. Jamie knows that Bree knows how to shoot because Frank taught her, but instead of taking her to hunt game they’d have to shoot, he takes her hunting bees. So it’s different than what she had with Frank. Because he’s actively trying to not replace the father she grew up with and clearly though undeservedly loves.

Jamie is flawed but 1000x the better man.

Don’t @ me that Fred taught her to shoot in case she went back to the past. He literally didn’t tell Claire she was going to die. He left Claire to tell Bree the truth once he died. He was a shitty, shitty, petty man.

They’re really getting their money’s worth out of that fucking eagle stock shot.

Seriously though, they should have moved the production to North Carolina.

The metaphor about the bees losing one home without any say-so to then become content where they end up is tough. Because yes, it’s what Claire did. And she thrived. But at this point for Bree, she’s not 100% open to making her new situation permanent. So she hears this and is like “ugh I guess I could make do” whereas Jamie is like “you’re so welcome here and you’ll come to love it like we love you.” And it lowkey makes me want to hug them both. Because omfg how could you not want to just hug the shit out of them in this situation. He so wants to be close to the only biological child he can acknowledge and she is so hesitant to open up to the father who gave up everything he cared about for her but who she doesn’t know from Adam. I JUST CAN’T WAIT FOR THEM TO ACTUALLY BOND A LOT NEXT SEASON.

Ok but for real, if I have to hear one more speech about how Fred is a good guy I’m gonna vomit. Jamie is giving this speech because he doesn’t fully know what Claire went through. Because last season and this season the show has never let Claire actually talk to Jamie about what it was like for her with Frank. (Also the show refuses to admit that they portrayed him as an abusive piece of shit... Which is its own problem.) There’s a passage in Drums where Claire finally makes it clear to Jamie how it was for her and I’m hoping they fucking include it because dammit, Jamie needs to know and Claire needs to say it.

WHEN JAMIE HUGS BREE AND SAYS SHE CAN CALL HIM DA AND SHE CALLS HIM DA I HAVE SO MANY FEEEEEEELINGGGGGGSSSS.

ONE OF JAMIE’S KIDDOS CALLS HIM DAAAAAAAAAA.

“She called me Da.” Y’all it was the first time any of Jamie’s kids have called him that. Fergus calls him Milord. Faith died. He never got to meet Bree as a child. He couldn’t acknowledge Willie. Marsali and Joanie call him daddy like fucking creepy weirdos. Young Ian is like a son but calls him Uncle Jamie, because that’s who he is. BUT NO ONE HAS EVER CALLED HIM DA BEFORE AND I AM SO FULL OF FEELS.

Ok the forehead snuggles are great but again, as the season goes on I really miss the passionate Frasers. Not because I want the smut. I can get smut anywhere. It’s just that their relationship is becoming so one-note and I want it to go back to being dynamic like it used to be.

Omfg I cannot with how on the nose Bree looking at the mama bird and the baby birds is. Try harder, show.

All this bullshit with Fred trying to keep the rift between Claire and her daughter like an asshole and Claire can still guess exactly what’s wrong with Bree after years apart because CLAIRE MOTHERFUCKING BEAUCHAMP IS A GOOD GODDAMN MOTHER WHO LOVES HER CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THIS.

Claire’s face in this whole scene though. *throws awards at Balfe*

I can’t get over the what could have beens. This scene is so well acted, but I can’t stop thinking of how unnecessary the rape plotline is.

Literally half of my struggle with this show is trying to ignore all of the squandered potential and the other half of the struggle is trying to keep straight what I’m supposed to consider canon at any given moment. Is it current show canon? Past episode canon? What the writers think they’re showing even though they’re actually showing something else? Backfilled book canon? *drinks heavily*

What Bree goes through is fucking awful, but Claire feeling crushed that she wasn’t able to protect her baby is also heartbreaking. Not at the same level, by any means. But it’s still fucking a gut punch.

Oh hey, someone finally said the word rape. Fucking finally. I know that it was the characters trying to make things less awkward or painful as they talked about it before, but it also felt (to me) like the writers trying to skirt around the fact that they chose rape another character for no good reason. Glad they finally said it like it fucking is. Also, again, because I can’t say it enough, fuck them for not adapting this story line. 

Rogergate is so fucking dumb I cannot.

I can’t believe they’re committing to this shit.

Can someone please put Matt in timeout and give the show to someone else for a while.

Oh hey, Claire found her old ring! The ring that doesn’t even matter anymore. Because Matt and Maril had a boner for the book ring.

Have I mentioned I don’t like their choices recently?

Ok, fucking Lizzie says she saw this shit. And Jamie’s first instinct is to fucking go berserk and keep shit from Bree and Claire. You really are going to trust a fucking rando maid without talking to Claire and Bree?! Of course.

Ain’t toxic masculinity grand.

Fucking I hate that Claire nods that she’ll keep the Bonnet detail from Jamie. No. Fuck that noise. Don’t fucking spare his fucking feelings. You fucking communicate. That’s how you live as a strong couple. Fucking communicate.

GAH.

Fuck them for now making Ian be the one who sends him into slavery. 

Jamie isn’t off the hook by any stretch. Fuck that guy. Literally just going off on a dude because a fucking maid thinks she knows what’s up. I’m just saying I’m now thinking that the show’s gonna play it like it was Young Ian’s fault and he chooses to stay because he thinks it’s on him.

Can’t have our romantic lead send a guy into slavery, no one will like that. Better have the nephew we’ve had borderline fetishizing the Cherokee all season do it.

And in the process make the Cherokee/Mohawk the “bad guys.” Not the jump-to-conclusions-colonizers.

I hate Rogergate so fucking much.

Also how the fuck in the two months that Bree has been with them has she never once described what Roger looks like. Literally when anyone first starts dating someone, the first question anyone asks from like the beginning of time until now is “what’s he like and what does he look like.”

Ughhh.

*is wistful af about the angst and drama-filled less problematic show we could have gotten if the writers had the balls to admit that the back half of Drums is bad*

[holidaywishes]

It Had To Be You VIII

Chapter Eight: Go Your Own Way

 Summary: When Tyler and the Stars are in town for a game, he takes you out to dinner with Jamie, Katie and Candace, knowing that James will be out of town that weekend. But when James comes back early, you invite him to the dinner and emotions start running high.

 Author’s Note: Sorry this one took so long to post. I promise I’ll start being a little more consistent and the chapters will be better. Hope you like this one! Happy Halloween!

 Warnings: none

 Song Credit: Go Your Own Way -- Fleetwood Mac

  masterlist

 You contemplated phoning Candace and asking her about the voicemail she left you last month but she was on her way to Calgary before the team got here so you’d ask her in person. You figured you’d be able to tell if she was really just that drunk or if she was telling the truth.

 “Do me a favour,” Lucy started, raising her eyebrow when you looked at her curiously, “don’t make this dinner awkward…”

 “You’re not even going to be there…” you scowled, munching on the carrots on your plate

 “That’s exactly why you can’t make it awkward. I can’t save you from yourself” she said plainly

 “Whatever…” you dismissed your sister and finished your supper. After everything that happened with Ethan, her relationship was in a weird place so she was fixated on your life again. As she tells it, Charlie thought the shooting was horrible but he really didn’t care but you were sure that wasn’t true, that he probably just meant he didn’t know Ethan well enough to get as worried as you all did; Charlie was a good guy, that much you knew. Regardless, Lucy was shocked when she heard that you were going to a dinner date without James -- even though you assured her it wasn’t a date.

 “Look all I’m saying is, it sounds like a date. It sounds like Candace even thought it sounded like a date. After what you told me she said to you… I don’t know it just seems like trouble,” she said and you rolled your eyes knowing she was being way too overprotective, “what are you gonna do if he tries something?”

 “Lucy,” you said softly, “it’s Tyler. Come on…”

 “Exactly, it’s Tyler. Seguin. Just because he’s slowed down doesn’t mean he’s not still a party boy” she snapped, you couldn’t say you were surprised by her reaction but you were offended. Not so much at what she was saying about Tyler, that was a given with her, but that she thought you would let something happen.

 “Stop!” you said sharply, taking a breath to calm yourself enough to continue, “look I get it. You’re worried.. Fine. But I’m not the type of girl to let something happen with someone else when I’m in a relationship. I’m committed to James. The fact you think differently, that you’d think I’d stray, is extremely offensive!” You saw the shocked look on her face. This was probably the most you’d talked back to her since you were kids, she wasn’t used to you standing up for yourself and it left her speechless. So speechless in fact, that you were able to continue.

 “Lucy, I love you. And I appreciate your concern. For me and for James. But I can’t keep defending my actions or defending Tyler’s non-existent attempts of… whatever you think he’s attempting. If you feel bad about this, and you need me to reassure you every five minutes that there’s nothing happening, I will do my best but it can only last so long before I blow up like this. Come on you knew this was coming…” you waited for any kind of response but she just started walking towards the door, putting her jacket on to leave, “Lucy! Wait.. just talk to me!”

 “You know what?! I’m just trying to protect you,” she shouted, “I don’t want you to reassure me for me, I want you to reassure me for you. So you can hear what I’m hearing. See what I’m seeing. Be a little more objective about this situation with Tyler. Come to terms with the fact that maybe there’s something more than friendship there. I… you…” she faltered and you took a step toward her in an attempt to comfort her but she stopped you, stepping closer to the door as she finished her thought, “I didn’t mean to offend you. I know you’re committed to James -- I trust that you are anyway -- I wasn’t trying to suggest that you would stray… I just wanted you to answer what you’d do if he tried something so you could hear yourself defend him. The way I hear you defend him. The way I never hear you defend James” she sighed and walked out the door, leaving you to contemplate every conversation with her you’d ever had about James and compare them to the conversations you’d had about Tyler. You never defended James -- because you never had to. He was always the knight in shining armour you never asked for but were so grateful for. He always seemed to be on this pedestal in both Lucy and Chris’ eyes; he could do no wrong. Tyler on the other hand, hadn’t quite won them over. They hadn’t gotten a chance to know him and see the change in him that you had -- so you defended him because he deserved better than some passing judgement your sister or guardian would give.

 “Lucy… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I love you. I understand what you were trying to do but can I just tell you why I never defend James?” you texted your sister, hoping for a reply

 “Why?”

 “Because you’ve seen who he is. You’ve seen how good he is to me. Even if things aren’t always perfect with us, he is good to me. And you. And Chris. Even to Karen. So you’ve got this image in your head of him being perfect that you don’t push me to defend him. The way you do with Tyler”

 “You’re still doing it…”

 “This is what I mean Luce, you hear me defending Tyler and you jump on the chance to tell me that it’s wrong. I know you see him as the guy he was in Boston and yeah, he still parties now, but he’s better. He’s better than you give him credit for. I have to defend him or you’ll never see him as anything other than a party boy”

 “Okay. I understand. You make a good point. A few actually. But you know that, as your big sister, I’m obligated to look after you. Especially about guy/relationship stuff. Chris would just tell you not to worry about it until you turned 35. I just don’t want to see you get hurt and go back to how you were. I know it won’t happen that instantly, but I hated seeing you in the hospital. Getting that call. It terrified me as much as it did Chris. If I’m being honest, I don’t know what will throw you over the edge and I’ll be damned if it’s Seguin.”

 “I love you too, Lucy.” All she sent back was the emoji blowing a kiss and you knew all was good. Now, you just had to prepare for the dinner that was definitely not a date.

 When James walked through the apartment door and noticed you in a fancy dress, he understandably looked confused.

 “Going somewhere?” he said jokingly

 “Yes… and so are you. So get changed” you replied and he looked at you confused, “the Stars are playing the Flames tomorrow night, so Tyler invited me and Candace to join him, Jamie and Katie for dinner at the Tower.”

 “Now?” you could hear in his voice that he was stunned but you weren’t expecting him home so soon. He kept doing this, popping in much earlier than he said he would -- it was weirdly annoying to you.

 “Yes silly, it is dinner time” you laughed, continuing to get ready

 “Babe, I can’t. I’ve been on a plane for almost eight hours, I would have to shower, change. I’ll just see you when you get home. Don’t be too late” he urged

 “Nonsense!” you said happily, “just meet us there! I’ll let the staff know, we’ll call them now, or text them! They do that there, it’s pretty cool.” James laughed and you were expecting him to say no when he nodded his head.

 “Alright, alright. I will call you when I’m on my way. You can order for me if you want -- or not. I’m easy” he replied with a smile and you squeaked, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

 “Yay! Okay my Über is here, I will see you later. Love you bye!” you said as you flew out the door.

 You noticed Tyler sitting in his Jeep in the Palliser Parkade, watching the crowd pass by, so you waved but he ignored you, or just didn’t see you. Candace, however, waved to you excitedly and ran quickly across the street to meet you.

 “Hey!!” she said in a sing-song kind of voice, “long time no see”

 “We need to talk” you started, earning a timid laugh from her, “what the hell was that voicemail?”

 “What voicemail?” she furrowed her brow

 “You left me a voicemail last month and sa--” you started but she interrupted you before you could finish

 “Oh that! I was drunk. It’s fine. Richie isn’t dead” she joked

 “I’m not talking about that, I don’t care about him. Sorry for the break up by the way,” you interjected and Candace just shrugged, “I’m talking about what you said about Tyler…” You were waiting for her face to give you an answer or lead you into something, but before anything could come out of Candace’s mouth, Tyler was standing right behind you, mouth at your ear.

 “Boo!” he whispered and you jumped ever so slightly, earning a laugh from the group.

 “Hey! Everyone hungry?” you asked, “ready to eat and spin?”

 “Does it actually do that?” Katie asked, concern on her face, “that seems like a recipe for disaster..”

 “It goes really slowly, it’s actually kind of cool” Jamie reassured her, “plus we can walk on the glass floor!” It was cute how excited he was and how nervous she was. The five of you walked into the lobby of the Calgary Tower and were led to the elevator that took you up 525 floors to the Sky 360 restaurant. The ride up was quiet and a little awkward with Katie and Jamie cuddling in the corner and Tyler, Candace and you standing on the other side watching the floors pass, occasionally smiling uncomfortably at each other until the doors finally opened. As soon as the elevator stopped, Jamie budged through, with Katie following closely behind, to head onto the observation floor. You laughed and walked in the same direction when you felt someone tug at your arm.

 “Can I talk to you for a sec?” Tyler asked

 “Sure, what’s up?” you said, noncommittally

 “How’s Ethan?” he questioned, which surprised you but you responded quickly by saying that Ethan was way better than he was, almost back to his old self.

 “Good, good. I hope it’s not weird that this is where I chose to take us…” he said, motioning to the restaurant and the view of the Tower

 “No, it’s awesome. I haven’t actually ever eaten up here, only ever been on the observation floor, so I’m excited. And I think James is too” you had to sneak it in before it got too late.

 “James? Why? He’s still out of town” he asked concerned

 “Well, actually, he got home early. Again. Walked in the door when I was getting ready and I, uhm.. I invited him. I hope that’s okay” you said, baring your teeth in an anticipatory way.

 “No, I mean yes. Of course it’s okay. The more the merrier,” you could tell he was a little bit annoyed but he just kind of let it go, “let’s go sit down.” You looked at your phone continuously as the five of you sat down at the table, waiting for James’ text; hopefully everything was okay. The table began to order and just as you were about to tell the waiter there was one more coming, James shouted a happy hello to everyone, startling you.

 “You said you were going to text me?” you smiled as he kiss your cheek

 “Sorry, traffic, couldn’t text. We ordering?” he said nonchalantly as he ordered his steak, the rest of the table finishing their orders.

 “It’s good to see you James! How have you been?” Katie cooed, she was always a big fan of James so they got along really well every time the four of you, Jamie, Katie, James and you, were together.

 “I’ve been good, busy, but good. Always working” he joked and Tyler scoffed, making everyone turn their heads to look at him. It took him a second to realize that you were all looking at him, once he did all he could say was “sorry, just got a weird text from Dev.” James continued his conversation with Katie and continued around the table, asking what everyone was up to.

 “What about you Candy? How have you been?” James asked and you laughed awkwardly, he had never called Candace Candy before and it felt weird; you weren’t the only one who thought so.

 “Candy?” Jamie chirped, “dude, she’s not a stripper…” Tyler gave both Jamie and James a glare before settling on you, unnerving you with the intensity in his eyes. You took a deep breath and nudged James’ shoulder.

 “Yeah, I’ve never heard you call Candace that and I don’t know how I feel about it…” you added

 “Sorry, thought I’d try it out. Candace” he emphasized her name this time, “how have you been?”

 “Uhm,” she said after taking a sip of her wine, clearing her throat, “I’ve been fine. Newly single and enjoying every second of it…” Everyone at the table smiled, even Tyler, which made you think he was planning something.

 “Yeah, her boyfriend turned out to be a dick,” he continued then cocked his head slightly, “it sucks when that happens, doesn’t it?” You saw James tense his jaw and raise his eyebrows as he looked down at his lap, laughing slightly.

 “I guess it would be,” he said tersely, “can’t say I know what it’s like though…”

 “You sure?” Tyler sat back in his chair, searching for some kind of answer from James.

 “Most definitely” the two of them were having a staring contest and you were convinced that one of them was going to jump across the table to attack, so you stepped in.

 “Babe!” you said to James, “let’s go look at the view, on the observation floor.”

 “Yeah, okay. Let’s go” he replied, his gaze never leaving Tylers. When the two of you got to the floor, you confronted James timidly.

 “Is everything okay?” You started, “why is there so much tension with you and Tyler?”

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about” was all he could muster before getting angry, “he obviously doesn’t like me… I mean I guess he wanted this to be more than just a dinner with friends. I mean you know that everyone being here is just a ploy right? Please tell me you’re not stupid enough to think this was a friendly invite.”

 “Wow…” you were speechless, you didn’t want to say anything you’d regret so you started walking away, but went against your better judgement and turned around to yell at him, “you know, this is the first time I’ve seen them, ANY of them, in months and it was supposed to be a nice night to catch up before life got in the way again. It is not my fault that every time the two of you get into a room together, it becomes a dick measuring contest. Get over yourself. Stop thinking that something is happening because it is driving me insane, he’s my friend, one of my best friends. You are my boyfriend and I love you, but not when you act like this. Come back to the table, let it go. Apologize or don’t, I don’t care right now. Let’s just finish the night in peace” you pleaded, he nodded and the two of you returned to the table.

 “So, did we miss anything?” you sighed as you sat back down.

 “Nope, just catching up. So, (Y/N), what are you up to lately?” Candace asked

 “Well, I’ve been busy planning my trip…” you said before taking a sip of your Manhattan

 “Trip?” Tyler and James said in unison,

 “Where are you going?” Candace added

 “Scotland!” you smiled, so excited to finally tell everyone, “I’ll be there for six months. A whole semester. Then, maybe, hopefully, I’ll get to see some of Europe as well!”

 “Wow… when did you decide this?” James asked stunned, “were you going to tell me?”

 “I just got my letter of confirmation yesterday from the University there, and you’ve been so busy that I didn’t have a chance to call you. Of course, I was going to tell you. Don’t be silly.”

 “When do you leave?” Jamie interjected,

 “Not until January, but I have to go to Vancouver to get all the paperwork in before Christmas so I can get my Visa…” you answered, turning to James, noticing he was still fixated on you “so, hopefully you and I can go on some dates, I think you’ll be in town more over the holidays yeah?”

 “Yeah, that’s--” he shook himself out of his head, “I mean no. I’m back in January, but I’m away for a few weeks in December. I wish you had told me sooner, I could’ve figured something out.” You could tell he was upset, this probably wasn’t the best time to have shared this, but you so excited and it was so new.

 “Well, I don’t leave until mid-January. Classes start January 20th, I leave January 15th. So, I can settle in before hand,” you tried to reassure him, “we could have a going away party?”

 “Yeah, that sounds good. Let’s talk about this at home okay?” he said shyly and you nodded sympathetically. As everyone finished off their meals, the tension slowly went away and the conversations changed from passive aggressive to easy breezy but once you got into James’ car, there was nothing but silence.

 “Did you really think that was the best time to bring it up?” James yelled when you got back into the apartment, “in front of everyone?”

 “James, I told you. I only got the letter yesterday. I didn’t really have anything to tell before that,” you said, following him into the apartment, “it’s not like I planned this, it just came out. I was excited.”

 “Yeah, I get that. And yay Scotland…” he replied, unenthusiastically, “I knew you were thinking about it, but I didn’t think you were serious and I definitely didn’t think you’d decided.”

 “Why wouldn’t I have been serious? I went to all those meetings, did all that research, why would I have done that if I weren’t serious about going?” you questioned

 “I mean it’s a big deal and we barely see each other as it is. I guess I just figured... “ he mumbled, “I guess I figured you want to spend time with me instead of leaving the continent for half a year.”

 “This is a big deal for me! I’ve never really been outside of the country before. Living with you was the first time I lived with anyone besides my sister or Chris. It’s an incredible opportunity for me, why can’t you understand that? Why are you being so selfish?” you shouted

 “I’m not being selfish!” he shouted back, “I just.. GOD DAMNIT (Y/N), I’m just nervous, I’m going to miss you because, you know... I love you.” The way he said it was almost dismissive, like it was just something to say which was different from how he’d usually say it, you just squinted at him for a second and dropped your head to your hands and wiped your face quickly before continuing.

 “I love you too, and of course I’ll miss you too, but acting like this…” you gestured to him, “does not instill much confidence.”

 “I’m sorry, you’re right. This is exciting! I’m excited for you, honest. I promise I’ll be better, we’ll throw a going away party to outdo all the other going away parties!” he said, and it seemed to be the truth, so you smiled and gave him a hug. It did, however, force you to look at all the times he said I promise. It kind of became a joke, because it was the first thing you said to each other, but the more he said it the more it lost its meaning. Especially, when he acted so defensively.

 You couldn’t help but wonder what he was keeping from you.

[fuckyeahjamieandclaire]

Caitriona Balfe offers her thoughtful POV on how Claire feels about seeing Jamie again after so many years: “This is someone she had on a pedestal for 20 years and I think once you come face-to-face with a fantasy, because that’s essentially what he’s been for 20 years, there’s the initial excitement, just the absolute joy of seeing him again, but then you have to strip away all of the fantasy that you’ve built up and get to know the real person in front of you. And with that comes a lot of the doubts and fear of, well, am I enough for this person? Is he the same person I thought I was in love with?…I don’t think we ever doubt they’ll be together, but I think what I loved about [the reunion] was that we allowed for all of that real life doubt to come in…and be explored.” Sam Heughan on how he’s similar to the character of Jamie: “You put a lot of yourself in the character and over time it’s been interesting, We’ve lived with these characters so long that you start to see things in your personal life that you can bring to it. [NOTE: Here’s where I would’ve asked, if I were moderating: “Like what?”]…But I also know sometimes it’s hard to separate the two…” [Again, can you give me an example? But sadly, there was no follow-up] Ronald D. Moore on the difference between the show now and when it first began: “It’s so much easier [of course, this was said wryly]. It’s gotten harder and more complex somehow year after year. It’s an amazing thing to watch happen. The production team in Scotland, the writers, and the post-production crew in LA, every year, we have just thrown them a completely different show. It’s literally a different show every year. There are no standing sets. Most of the cast is replaced every year, the time periods constantly shift. [Note: here Sam and Cait interrupt warily re Ron’s comment about the cast changes, and he jokes: “You haven’t seen the scripts?]…Season 3 was definitely a year of transition between the old world, or what I think will become known as the Outlander in Scotland and then Paris, and then it crossed the Atlantic and ends up in the New World. The show from this point forward will be predominantly in the New World. We’ll always have a foot in Scotland. It’s not the last time you’ve seen Lallybroch…Season 3 is really the pivot point when the series became a different show yet again. Executive Producer/Writer/Director Matthew B. Roberts on the South Africa shoot: Every season has its challenges…I think we thought Season 3 would be our most difficult yet. [But] Season 4 has been much more difficult. In the past when we shot Prague for Paris, we went for two weeks…it’s always difficult to take your crew to another country. We’ve never actually [done that] for so long. And going to South Africa was a major change…While we really enjoyed our time [there]…it was the first time I ever saw the Scottish crew’s bare legs because normally it’s so cold in Scotland and they moved from that to eighty degrees…instantly, everyone had a sunburn…I would say truthfully, we’re all rather tired, but on the other hand, that’s what keeps it alive and fresh. You never get bored and it keeps you on your toes. And Matt on Season 4 so far: “We’re midway through Season 4 right now. We had an initial idea that it might be an easier season, but it wound up being more difficult given the fact that we used to have Scotland as one of our characters….Gary [production designer Jon Gary Steele] and I would go out and find a location, and [say] ‘That’s Scotland’…we’d just run out and find something glorious because it was around every corner. And now we can’t do that because we’re in America, and Scotland’s not America…And now Gary has to build everything, and we have to go and find the right places and it takes more time and effort. We don’t have the character of Scotland anymore…we do, but she portrays North Carolina and she doesn’t give us everything we need all the time.” And then there’s the weather in Scotland, always the weather, which Executive Producer/Writer Toni Graphia picks up on: “North Carolina is supposed to be sweltering, hot, dripping with sweat…eat, sex and love and all that. And sometimes I write a scene and I send it over to them [in Scotland] and they go, ‘There’s a snow storm and we’re not going to be do it quite that way, but we find another way to do it.’ With the help of such talented people as Gary who just builds thing for us to make things happen. It’s amazing what movie magic can do.”

[ecampbellsoup]

In “First Wife”... why do you think Jamie said “you left me” to Claire? I know it was a heated exchange and emotions were all over the place but that was so off base from reality. Thank you.

Hello darling!!

This a valid question and one that when I initially saw “First Wife” struggled with a lot. I had similar feelings to you; Jamie’s statement felt “off” to me. 

I actually sat on this question for a wee bit because I wanted to look over the screenplay and the novel before answering! However, everything I share is purely my interpretation of the reality presented to me on screen and in print. 

I am going to approach my answer first by trying to contextualize Jamie’s bold claim in the novel and show; then by giving you my personal sentiments. 

VOYAGER:

These words that Jamie says are not exclusive to the show. Jamie does utter them in the novel. Here is the exchange:

‘Am I a man? To want you so badly that nothing else matters? To see you, and know I would sacrifice honor or family or life itself to lie wi’ you, even though ye’d left me?’

‘You have the filthy, unmitigated, bleeding gall to say such a thing to me?’ My voice was so high, it came out as a thin and vicious whisper. ‘You’ll blame me?’

He stopped then, chest heaving as he caught his breath. ‘No. No, I canna blame you.’

He turned aside, blindly. ‘How could it have been your fault? Ye wanted to stay wi’ me, to die with me.’

‘I did, the more fool I,’ I said. ‘You sent me back, you made me go! And now you want to blame me for going?’

He turned back to me, eyes dark with desperation. 

‘I had to send ye away! I had to, for the bairn’s sake!’

His eyes went involuntarily to the hook where his coat hung, the pictures of Brianna in its pocket. He took one deep, quivering breath, and calmed himself with a visible effort.

 ‘No,’ he said, much more quietly. ‘I canna regret that, whatever the cost. I would have given my life, for her and for you. If it took my heart and soul, too …’

He drew a long, quivering breath, mastering the passion that shook him. 

‘I canna blame ye for going.’

‘You blame me for coming back, though’ 

He shook his head as though to clear it.

 ‘No, God no!’

He grabbed my hands tight between his own, the strength of his grip grinding the bones together. 

‘Do ye know what it is to live twenty years without a heart? To live half a man, and accustom yourself to living in the bit that’s left, filling in the cracks wi’ what mortar comes handy?’

‘Do I know?’ I echoed. I struggled to loose myself, to little effect. ‘Yes, you bloody bastard, I know that! What did you think, I’d gone straight back to Frank and lived happy ever after?’

I kicked at him as hard as I could. He flinched, but didn’t let go.

In the novel Jamie does speak those words at Claire. However, like the show, it was in the throws of a fight. 

Also interesting to note, when Claire questions the blame Jamie places on her for coming back, he responds with an adamant NO. This to me communicates that despite Jamie speaking out of the heat of anger, his heart is resolved.

FIRST WIFE:

This entire exchange is similar to how it plays out in the show and yet extremely different. Here is the script of the scene: 

When I am looking at the notes in the script, I can see that the writer made a choice to state that Jamie “matches her fury”. What this indicates to me is that Jamie chose to ESCALATE the moment rather than deescalate, or attempt at peace.

This is what the novel & screenplay have to say about this scene: Jamie and Claire are in an argument, Claire ‘throws a punch’ and Jamie reciprocates in kind. 

MY SENTIMENTS: 

Ok so aside from that contextualization, here are my thoughts: 

Jamie & Claire have fought before after extreme conflict and will say things in anger that they do not ENTIRELY believe or feel. 

If someone is trying to escalate an argument, they will typically say something that is partially true, but not holistically so. It is honest enough to sting, but not entirely true so as it leaves a question of doubt in the air. 

A prime example of this is after Jamie & the men rescue Claire from Black Jack and they have a huge argument by the river in 1x9 “The Reckoning”. Jamie even states, ‘I was sore. I said more than I meant’. Jamie does not actually think his wife is a foul-mouthed b****…he merely said that in burst of passion. 

This is one interpretation of what happened in ‘First Wife.’ Jamie said that merely to hurl an accusation back at Claire and did not entirely mean what he said.

Another interpretation could be that Jamie has had two decades to sit on what happened between him and Claire. 

Jamie was prepared to die at Culloden. He was not expecting to live past giving away his wife and unborn child. 

The agony of waking up alive without them caused a large portion of his heart to die. He lost his soul. 

When she returns, the sun arose on his darkest night. His lungs breathed air for the first time in decades. 

However, he married in her absence and he is trying to justify that to her. He is almost saying, well you left, I did not die. I lived and so I married as a means to be able to continue on existing. I married again and it blew up in my face. But you left, and that is why all of this happened. 

To be honest though, no matter how you try to interpret that statement, it is below the belt. 

HOWEVER, to be candid, I think this line is a poor characterization flaw. I just do. 

When Jamie says, ‘even though you left me’, I was shocked. Jamie is not perfect; hardly so. He should not be on a pedestal. But, I felt that this choice from Diana was contrary to the heart and soul of James Fraser.

Jamie released Claire FOR THE SAKE OF HER AND THE CHILD. Jamie WILLINGLY gave them up that they may live. 

Even in ‘A Malcolm’ there is an exchange that solidifies this COMPLETELY:

I will never leave you again.

You were right to leave. We did it for Brianna.

THIS to me is a line that is true to the heart of Jamie. 

Naturally, we all say things contrary, especially in the passion of anger or hurt, but I just assert that Jamie throwing that line in Claire’s face to be contradictory. Particularly because HE was the one who made her go, and he knows that, AND because he reaffirms that decision to his wife upon her return. 

Sometimes authors do make character choices that are confusing and inconsistent; it happens. I do not own Jamie. He is not mine. But, in my personal opinion, Diana made this mistake with having Jamie blame his wife for leaving.

[yellowfeather84]

Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe know they've got something special: From the complicated, passionate characters Jamie Fraser and Claire Randall they get to play on-screen, to the close friendship they've developed off-screen, Outlander has changed their lives. And they're not alone: Since the Starz hit premiered in 2014, fans have been rabid for all things Outlander—Heughligans debate the merits of Sam's man bun, shippers argue they're a couple in real life, and dedicated social media accounts document every last detail of Jamie and Claire's saga.

So when Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe decided to visit the ELLE.com offices, I knew I needed the help of someone whose fandom went beyond my own appreciation for the show to an expert-bordering-on-obsessive level—the kind of person who would know Claire should be referred to as "Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser," not "Claire Randall," in the above paragraph, and be mad about the mistake. I needed a super fan, and lucky for me, I happen to be related to one of the biggest out there: Pat Holmes, my mother.

Here, an Outlander super fan (and her daughter) talk to the show's stars about their friendship, Jamie and Claire's evolutions, and how love can survive a 20-year separation.

Warning: This post contains mild spoilers for season three of Outlander.

I just watched the first episode of this season—it's amazing, very emotional.

Sam: It's very sad, actually.

Caitriona: It is very sad. All of the Culloden stuff is just so brilliant.

For the first time, you weren’t in the episodes together. So what it was like when you saw it, for you, Sam, to watch Caitriona—and Caitriona, to watch how Sam did?

C: It was great, because I think we both purposely didn’t read those parts of the script. It’s nice to be able to remove yourself from it, because normally you’re in it so much, and it’s hard to be objective and look at something from the perspective of a viewer. There was a lot of surprise, because I didn’t realize that they would shoot it that way—it's so much darker, and Sam's performance was so amazing. I loved it, and it was really heartbreaking. The way they edited it, going back and forth and bringing it to where Jamie doesn’t really know what’s happening, he doesn’t know whether he’s alive or dead, and interspersing that with moments that happened before and after, I thought was really beautiful.

S: I only recently saw it and it was just remarkable. I think that Caitriona and Tobias [Menzies] are amazing together, and it's just so grown up and sad. They’re doing everything for their daughter and trying to work through it, but there’s heartache there. It was a great script and Ron [D. Moore] did wonderful with the writing. It’s really the beginning—we say goodbye to Scotland and a lot of the characters there.

You’re talking about the 20 years your characters spend apart, and they change a lot. What did those 20 years do to them?

C: One of the huge things I played with Claire is that she shelved a side of herself for 20 years. The way we worked it out with the writers is that initially Claire tries to have a relationship with Frank, but after a year and a half, they make an arrangement and they live separate lives within the same house. Claire has always been a very sexual person, a very passionate person, and losing the person that means the most to you is one thing, but losing a part of her DNA or a part of who makes her who she is had a real effect on how she carries herself and interacts with people. She became focused on her career and daughter but there’s a rigidity to her, and I think she’s lost some of that freedom and joy she has when she's around Jamie.

What happens to Jamie?

S: He obviously loses the love of his life and he expects to die. And when he doesn’t, he goes through this process of all the phases of grief and mourning: Ultimately, why is he there and what does he have to live for? He regresses into a shell of who he is and it takes him a long time to rediscover himself; he doesn’t want to be Jamie Fraser anymore. He wants to hide in the shadows, not because he’s an outlaw or a prisoner, but he wants to live in the memory of her.

Time is probably the best healer and it does take a long time for him to come to terms with the fact that she's actually gone. He goes on an insane journey to see if she’s still alive or possibly has come back into his life, and when he really finds out that she hasn’t, he can move on. And he does—he creates a new life for himself.

Is he a whole person?

S: Of course he’s not. He’s always loved her and always had a space in his heart for her, but he rebuilds himself.

Is there anything left of the old Jamie?

S: He’s still there, but he has to go through a lot of growing up. Not giving away too many spoilers, but he becomes a father, he gains his liberty, and finds peace within himself with who he is without her. I think that’s important, actually. He finds himself.

And Claire does too?

C: I think what I love about her is that she is a survivor, so even though there’s a part of her that has been shelved—her heart is definitely hardened and broken—but that she does figure out a way to create a successful life. That’s important about both these characters: Even though this relationship and this love that they experienced are bigger than any of us could hope to have, I suppose, that they don’t make it their single defining characteristic. To honor that relationship and the people that they are, they make the best of the lives they have.

S: They’re at their best when they’re together. They’re a team, they’re a couple. And that’s when they have the most life-affirming moments.

Are they still in love 20 years later? How do you keep a love going for 20 years when you don't even see each other?

C: Yes, because I think when you experience something that strong, it doesn’t fade away. You can keep it in a certain place, but it doesn’t diminish.

S: That’s what they do. They eventually sort of come to terms with each other passing, but there’s always that part of them that they keep dear to them. So when they do reunite it’s like, Oh wow, you’re back, and they fall back into their own routine until they realize that they have changed and have become different people.

C: When somebody cherishes a memory like that, you put them on a pedestal and nobody else can come close. You’re looking at it through rose-tinted glasses. When they first meet, it’s that first rush of love and it’s like that old time. And then what they have to do is dismantle that pedestal and illusion they’re created and find a way of falling in love with the people they are now.

They have great sex scenes in the book, but they have fights too. Which is more fun?

C: Fights!

S: Fights. Always. It’s gotten physical at times.

C: Um, yeah!

S: But it’s great. Caitriona is wonderful to work with, so they're the scenes we do cherish and enjoy, don't we, because we get to go at it.

C: I think the thing about these two people is they love so passionately and they fight so passionately. They live on this really fierce frequency and it’s great, because we do like to go for it. We know each other so well that we know how to push each other’s buttons—it's good, it's fun.

Ever go too far with that?

C: I mean, I’ve landed across the room on my ass this season, which was rather painful. I come away with quite a few injuries.

S: They're both very stubborn, and she’s very opinionated.

...Claire or Caitriona?

S: [Laughing] Aaand moving on from that! No, I enjoy those scenes. And the sex scenes are what they are. It’s an important part of the story and definitely this season there are a lot more.

I think the fans are happy. They weren't too happy with season two, because there weren't very many.

C: We were telling a different story then. I do think that the beauty of Diana [Gabaldon]’s books is that they're about a relationship that spans decades. It’s important to show every cycle of that relationship and not to just repeat one over and over again. What we set out to do is not to just have sex for sex’s sake, but have it tell something about the couple and where they are in the relationship and the point to the story. And if you’re just having sex scenes thrown in everywhere, then they lose their impact. So last season it was about two people who weren’t in a groove with each other and were feeling off-kilter. So other things became their focus, like changing history, which is a big thing.

It doesn’t look like you aged that much in the end of season two.

C: I have some grey in my hair. It's funny, I think we all assumed that we would do a bit more. But she’s only 50. He’s only in his mid-40s.

S: Yeah, when you say it like that...

C: It's not like they’re so much older. The difference between 30, when we last saw her, and 50 is not that huge when you look around. We looked around at our makeup department and the women who were 47, 48, 49 looked great. I think the decision was to play with the hair and more about how time has changed them internally rather than externally. The '60s makeup and '60s costume definitely help give her more authority—she just feels a little bit older in that way. But it’s hard then when you go back to the no-makeup look of the 1700s to tie that in. I was just really tired and haggard myself, so they’re all just mine, those wrinkles.

I thought

in the promo

, in the shot when you were in Edinburgh, about to go into the print shop, you looked so vulnerable and so luminous, but it’s a different Claire. You’ve left the '60s and the Jackie Kennedy look. I have to say, you are both great in this, you do a lot with the emotion in your faces.

S: Well, in that moment, she's just put everything on the line, hasn't she? She doesn’t know how he’s going to react.

C: For me, one of the hardest things to wrap my head around this season was Claire leaving her daughter. And that was such a huge part. Initially when we got our scripts, it was Claire with Roger. And I remember saying to the writers: "Hold on a minute, it has to be with Brianna, because that’s the relationship, that’s the price that she’s paying." To make that sacrifice—you could poll a hundred mothers, and how many mothers would be able to do that? That’s the ultimate price that she pays.

You guys are really close friends. So what do you like about each other? And you can also tell me what you dislike...

S: [Laughing] Long list!

C: I mean, Sam’s just so kind. He’s a really good friend. He always checks in. I don’t know, he has one of the biggest hearts and smallest egos that I know.

[Sam and Caitriona high five]

S: Absolute same.

C: [Laughing] You can't just pick my answer!

S: No, she’s not only a great actress, she's a great friend and a great advice giver, too. And we have each other's backs. It’s a remarkable journey that we’ve been on, starting this together, being thrown in the deep end and being like, Okay! We're going to do this together. It’s a nice bond and I think people are fascinated by it, in a weird way—I know the fans are. We respect each other and have got each other's backs. I’m very fortunate that we have that, it’s great.

How many more will you do? Will you do them all if they want?

C: It depends. If they want, is the big...we’ve signed up for quite a few.

S: We've definitely got this year and then I guess they’ll see.

C: It depends on if they want to keep making them. It depends on if we keep the standard and quality up. I think that's important to everyone, you don’t want to just churn something out.

S: I feel this season is possibly the strongest. The first season was amazing; it was the beginning. And the second season, there were things I loved and things I didn't. But I think this season—Outlander as an adventure, as a historical romance, it keeps moving forward. Viewers are going to be like, Wooow.

C: Their heads are going to spin. They’re going to be like, Where are we now?!

It’s challenging for you to be in Africa, in Scotland, in Boston, in Jamaica, in the middle of the ocean.

S: It's like, What show is this?!

C: It is challenging, the peripheral stuff, but as long as we keep the relationship at the center, it doesn’t matter, because that’s the anchor.

[jordan202]

The Journey - Part Twenty-Two

Thank you @jia911!

Previous chapters are HERE. 

Timeline for Part 22:

Owen and Amelia deal with the fallout of their respective patients’ surgeries. And after a long time of absence, Owen finally comes back to Seattle following the events of episode 11x22 and what immediately happens after that. 

The Journey – Part Twenty-Two

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a break? I can take turns with you so you can actually sleep.”

Owen was startled by the familiar voice of April Kepner and opened his eyes with surprise, blinking repeatedly before coming back to his senses  completely.

“I am fine.” He lied, unwilling to admit how exhausted he was. “Go get some rest, Kepner, we have a lot going on tomorrow.”

April stared at her friend with disbelief and disapproval stamped on her face. It had been nearly thirty-six hours since a group of rebels had opened fire against their camp. Everyone was scared and drained. By being a medical support team, they weren’t usual targets for terrorists or even smaller groups rebelling against the government in the countries they had visited. And to most people, including April, that had been an entirely new and frightening situation.

One person in special had lived the most terrifying moment of his life. Private Danny Hill was now in recovery, but April could remember with details the excruciating six hours of surgery when she’d stood with Owen in a makeshift medical tent, working on the boy’s abdomen while hearing gunshots and grenade noises outside. They’d needed all the focus and skill to salvage the patient’s liver. During the entire time, she had only kept her serenity and ability to work because of her mission leader.

Even when the noises had become dangerously close, Owen hadn’t flinched. His courage inspired April. She knew that if it weren’t for her friend, the medical staff wouldn’t be able to perform and Private Hill probably might not even be alive.

For the followings hours, the kid had pulled through an unstable and difficult recovery while the rest of the team assessed the damages following the unexpected attack. A lot of their supplies had been either destroyed or sacked. A homemade bomb had completely devastated one of their ward tents, hurting one patient that was admitted at the time and now also demanded more medical attention. Their stock of food had also been severely lowered, and on top of that, their satellites and phones were also compromised, making it difficult for them to stay in touch with the command base to which the team reported.

Their return home was scheduled for a few days after New Year’s Eve, but April supposed they would anticipate it, considering the current situation of their facilities and the morale of the group. Everyone looked sad and deeply affected by the events.

Everyone but Owen.

April hadn’t failed to notice that while her colleagues seemed scared, afraid or simply unmotivated, their leader had been nothing but supportive to the whole team so far. He hadn’t left Danny’s bedside for one minute, afraid the kid might oscillate in his unstable condition. But April knew that in order to take care of everyone else, Owen first had to make sure he was fine.

“I can stay with him, Owen.” She insisted. “You haven’t slept in two nights, it’ll do you no good to stay in that chair when you could easily go to bed and let me take over.”

“It’s fine.” He stubbornly replied, smiling at her in an attempt to pretend he was okay but the dark circles around his eyes said otherwise.

“Is it just me, or did you actually become attached to this kid?” April teased, knowing she was being sincere. But she expected Owen to deny it, and that’s exactly what she hoped to use to convince him. “You haven’t been able to leave his side.” April explained after noticing the look of confusion on Owen’s face. “That’s the only possible explanation for you not wanting to leave.”

“Of course I am not attached.” Owen repeated the word with rejection, obviously trying to sound like he didn’t care about the kid in a special way.

“Hill is annoying, I know.” April looked at the boy’s pale face on the bed and smiled with care and affection, being assaulted by nostalgia. “He won’t ever shut up and his ability to make jokes and be happy, even at six in the morning can be infuriating.” She added, making Owen laugh. Those facts were no secret among the team. “But I have never seen a group of grown men cry this hard when I had to tell the soldiers that he got shot.” April said with consternation. “And ever since we got here, there wasn’t a day when Hill failed to remind everyone how much he wants to be like you.”

Owen furrowed his brow, looking up to his friend with a questioning look on his face. April immediately picked up on the unasked question and explained.

“You are his hero, Owen.” She smiled with affection, praying for the boy to recover fully as soon as possible. “You are the example he has. And now that you’ve saved his life, I believe he is going to put you in an even higher pedestal.”

Owen felt his heart constricting, and his shyness at April’s declaration became clear on his face.

“He probably saved mine too.” The trauma surgeon admitted with a sheepish tone. And when he noticed that this time it was April who had doubts, he explained, “I mean, I have no idea what could have happened, but he spotted the rebel group coming from behind my back and warned me. That’s what made me jump.” Owen recalled the moments. It felt like a lifetime ago but it hadn’t even been two days yet. “If he hadn’t, God only knows how I could have been shot on the back of my head... I probably owe my life to him.”

April seemed to be emotional for a while, absorbing the information. When Owen was sure she was going to say something meaningful, his friend commented:

“Just… For God’s sake, don’t tell him that? He is going to be even more annoying if he hears it.”

When their eyes met, both surgeons cracked up laughing, finding a much needed outlet for a long journey of exhaustion, both physically and mentally.

Months later, after the boy had already made his recovery, the US Army would honor Private Daniel Robert Hill when they awarded him with a Silver Star Medal for his act of heroism by putting his own life at risk to warn his team of an upcoming enemy attack.

And years later, Owen would also honor Hill by naming his third and fourth son after the brave young man who’d saved his life that Christmas day.

.

Amelia was going through some patient files, trying to fix the mess she had just made by placing some documents completely out of order. Just that morning, her resident had once again pushed the neurosurgeon’s buttons by implying Amelia should seek professional help for dealing with grief. Even though she had cut back on the dark humor jokes, Amelia would still spend most of her time at the hospital, now more than ever.

Stephanie Edwards had expressed her concern and that had led to a not so friendly argument between the two of them, which had culminated with the resident proposing that maybe she should spend a few weeks in another rotation to explore all her options. Amelia had promptly agreed, relieved to see her go, but she’d done it out of stubbornness and blind pride in the heat of the moment, because one of the few things that still gave her joy was teaching. Especially an eager and talented student like Stephanie.

But not even that could ruin Amelia’s mood that week. For the first time in a long time, she had received good news and while sorting through numbered pages that were out of order, the neurosurgeon still kept her optimism as she focused on the task.

About ten days before, Jamie Donovan had crashed on her operation table and for excruciating two hours, Amelia seriously questioned if the little girl would make it. Not for one second did she give up on the patient. The surgery had been long, meticulous and extremely unsettling but ultimately Amelia had been able to evacuate the clot in time for Jamie’s symptoms to be reversible.

The little girl had faced tough days of recovery in the PICU, with extensive intravenous therapy and constant monitoring. About a week later, right around New Year’s eve, she had been discharged to a ward room, being almost fully recovered with no neurological deficits, which was quite impressive considering the events she’d gone through. Amelia supposed that the only reason why Jamie hadn’t developed complications was because the diagnosis had been made quickly and accurately. If they had waited another hour or maybe even less, the outcome would most likely have been completely different.

Then, two days into the New Year UNOS had called and delivered the best news Amelia and Jamie’s family could hope for. A pair of lungs was available in Portland and the designated recipient was in no condition to receive them. Since they had just found out at the moment of surgery, the organ had to remain there and they transported the patient instead.

Amelia had barely had any time to say goodbye to Jamie when the helicopter came to take her. That evening, the neurosurgeon’s spirits were as anxious as they could be. But then hours later Jamie’s mom had called to notify everything had gone well. Amelia knew the little girl still had a long road of recovery ahead, but everything was on the right track. The actual possibility of Jamie making it and being discharged from the hospital gave her such immense joy that Amelia felt like nothing could ruin her mood that day.

But then, the neurosurgeon’s distracted mood was interrupted by a familiar face who looked so weary that Amelia immediately felt concerned.

“Mrs. Hunt?” The neurosurgeon studied the elderly woman coming in her direction with a heavy frown on her face, noticing how hesitating she looked. From what the neurosurgeon could gather, Evelyn was all alone, which definitely couldn't be a good sign. Instantly, Amelia had a bad feeling about that visit. “Are you okay?”

“Hi, Dr. Shepherd.” Evelyn replied a bit sheepishly, but sounded firm and determined. “Please call me Evelyn.”

Amelia quickly glanced sideways, checking around them to see if anything unusual was happening. After realizing how intimidated and unsure Evelyn Hunt looked, the neurosurgeon gently guided her to a more private corner.

“What brings you here?” Amelia asked with concern, wondering what was the cause for that visit to the hospital in the middle of the day. Evelyn seemed fine, at least physically. Last time Amelia had seen her, Owen’s mother had suffered a domestic accident and had to undergo extensive surgery. “Did you have a fall or…?”

“This visit is not about me.” Evelyn interrupted Amelia, her voice sounding atypically broken as she looked the younger woman deeply in the eyes. “I came because of Owen.”

“Owen?” Amelia replied, feeling her stomach churning. Evelyn looked pale and distressed, like she hadn’t slept well in days. And the neurosurgeon was sure that could only mean bad news.

“I was wondering if… If by any chance he has made contact with you in the last few days?” Evelyn inquired hesitantly, going straight to the point. After seeing the look of confusion on Amelia’s face at the question, she clarified. “I’ve asked Jackson too, I just…” Evelyn stopped, noticing how everything she was saying wasn’t making any sense to Amelia. “I am sorry.” She shook her head in denial. “It was stupid of me to come here, I was just so desperate that I didn't think this through.”

“Evelyn,” Amelia interrupted her rambling. “What are you talking about? What about Jackson? I… I am not sure I…”

“Jackson Avery and I have been exchanging messages ever since my son and his wife left with the Army.” Evelyn explained, seeing how the neurosurgeon was following up. “It’s not always that the two of them can contact home, so whenever one of them does, we tell each other. But ever since Christmas Eve, both Jackson and I haven’t been able to reach neither Owen, nor April.” She added with sorrow and concern.

Amelia felt her stomach churning in protest and tried her best not to freak out completely.

Her head was spinning with the obvious possibility, but Amelia tried her hardest not to consider it. The thought alone of Owen being injured or worse made her want to drop to her knees.

“Have you tried contacting the Army?” She aimlessly asked the first thing that came to mind, feeling desperation start to consume her. During all those months, Amelia hadn’t heard directly from Owen but she did hear people at the hospital commenting and so far, she knew he was okay. Lately, she hadn't seen much of Jackson at the hospital but Amelia had been too busy to consider what his relative absence could mean. “I am sure they would have information on…”

“I did.” Evelyn interrupted her again. Owen’s mom had served and she knew how those things worked. Her son and his friend were completely out of reach and no one had any satisfactory explanation to give. All they would tell her was that his team had lost contact and they were working on tracing their location. “Jackson mentioned that on Christmas he was just talking to April on the phone when…” Evelyn’s voice faltered.

The neurosurgeon immediately picked up on the hint that the news to follow weren’t good. Feeling like she was once again entering a nightmare, Amelia swallowed hard, unsure she was ready to hear the rest of that sentence.

“From what Jackson could gather, their camp was being attacked. He heard gunshots. And the last thing he saw was Owen asking April for help with a patient.” Evelyn finalized, tearing up. “And I have tried everything within my power to find out what happened to my son…” The older woman couldn’t hold her emotions any longer, discreetly shedding tears while speaking with a broken voice. “I contacted old friends, I sent out emails, I event went to the Army office in person. But no one has any information to give and Jackson hasn’t had any success either… Not even with his family’s influence. I feel like I have tried everything I possibly can, but I still don't know what's happened to him… So I remembered you and I thought, maybe Owen called you during this period?” She raised her eyes expectantly. Evelyn Hunt had once supposed her son and the beautiful neurosurgeon standing in front of her were somehow emotionally involved. She hadn’t wanted to pry so back then she hadn't asked, but right now, hearing about Owen was more important than respecting people’s privacies.

“He hasn't, I am sorry.” Amelia tried to console the elderly lady. She bit her bottom lip to hold her own emotions as she tried her best to come up with nice words to comfort Evelyn, but at that moment, Amelia couldn’t formulate a two-word sentence. Her mouth was dry and her pulse was racing. The slightest notion that Owen could have been shot and killed in an Army camp made her want to scream in terror. This was beyond any nightmare she could have possibly imagined. “Owen hasn't spoken to me ever since before he left.” Amelia admitted with a somber voice, feeling her throat constricting with a familiar sense of terror. She could feel her palms getting sweaty by the minute. Amelia had never felt like that before, but she supposed that was probably what a panic attack felt like.

“I am so sorry to disturb you at your work…” Evelyn said with sincerity, looking the younger woman in the eyes, far too caught up with her own sorrow to notice the terror on Amelia’s face. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just… I just couldn’t sit home and do nothing anymore… It’s been over a week. And I need to know if my son is okay.”

Evelyn Hunt had already lost a child to war. She wouldn’t be able to cope if she lost another one.

“You’re not disturbing me.” In an impulse, Amelia reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand, gently squeezing it. Unconsciously, she hoped that that handhold could transmit all the support the words were failing to communicate at that moment. “Please, will you…?”

Amelia’s voice failed as she processed the devastating information.

“Of course.” Evelyn understood the question without Amelia needing to ask it. “I will let you know as soon as I hear anything.”

As the older lady turned around and left, Amelia felt the weight of her body suddenly becoming too heavy for her knees to support it. That just couldn’t be true. The possibility Evelyn’s words had implied made the neurosurgeon sick to her stomach.

Everything around Amelia was spinning and she held on to the counter not to fall. She just couldn’t be there anymore. She needed to get away. Feeling dizzy all of a sudden, Amelia gathered the rest of the files she had been sorting in a messy pile and dropped them inside the first drawer she found, noticing how shaky her usually steady hands were. A nauseating feeling was building up in her stomach and her head was throbbing so violently that she had no idea how she managed to drive home that night.

Up until now, Amelia had somehow found a way to get herself together and pull through the horrible events that had followed ever since the end of her relationship with Owen. Her brother had died and her sister in law’s had disappeared with the kids, condemning Amelia to dark days of worry and agony.

She had been in a bad enough shape already but on top of all of that, Owen had left for an Army tour and his absence had left a void in Amelia’s heart that she hadn’t been able to fill with anything. Not work, not teaching. Nothing.

Derek had been in an accident and his life had tragically ended. She’d attended his funeral and had gotten some sort of closure, at least. Her niece and nephew were far too young to have any saying on where they were taken. And Amelia knew they were with their mother, so at least the two kids were being looked after.

But Owen had gone to a war zone and put his life at risk. He had left and Amelia had stayed behind, trying to pick up her pieces all by herself. She knew she hadn't exactly been easy to him, that she had spitefully told Owen that there was nothing for her in Seattle and that most likely had accounted to his decision to re enlist. But now she could feel the bitter taste of the words in her mouth because what if she never saw him again?

What if she never had the chance to tell Owen the truth? To say to him how she truly felt, how he had been the only thing in her life that had kept her going after her brother had passed away… how her love for him overwhelmed and scared her, because it was the only positive and genuine feeling Amelia could find in her heart amongst so much anger and disappointment and cruelty in the world...

She didn't want to lose Owen.

And Amelia wouldn't be able to cope if she’d already lost him.

The neurosurgeon now supposed that, unconsciously, the only thing that had kept her sane in the past months was the expectation of Owen coming home one day soon. Amelia had clung to it with desperation. She avoided thinking about it, but deep down, she couldn't consider another possibility.

If only she could see him with her own eyes and be sure he was alive and well… That would be enough to make her at least get some sleep at night. Even if he never spoke to her again, Amelia needed to know he was okay.

The house was dark and empty as the neurosurgeon expected it to be. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d come back home and actually spent more than a couple of hours there. The used mugs on the sink were a proof that someone still lived there, but Amelia just couldn’t stand the sight of it all.

The toys scattered in the living room were a heartbreaking memory of the happy moments she’d spent sitting on that playing mat with Zola and Bailey. Her brother’s favorite overcoat was still hanging on the foyer by the door. And the photographs of a once happy family framed on the living room were a cruel reminder that no happiness lasted too long. At least not in Amelia’s life.

And on top of that, through the window across the large yard, an empty large trailer remained locked and untouched, much like Amelia’s emotions inside her heart until that day.

Quickly sweeping those thoughts from her mind, the neurosurgeon made her way upstairs, feeling the physical exhaustion and emotional drainage consuming her. Amelia would give nearly anything to have a drink right now. She had to resort to her last ounce of self-control not to assault the liquor cabinet downstairs and get numbed to endure the pain she had been put through.

And then, as she walked into the second floor bedroom, her eyes immediately spotted a familiar painting hanging on the wall.

“You can’t have romance without a stomping cow playing the piano in front of a farm field.”

Owen’s voice once filled with so much warmth and affection had teased her right before he’d playfully stolen a kiss from her lips. Amelia could still vividly remember the scene as she played it in her head.

Owen had gotten that that painting for her in their first official date. He had actually made a bid on it at an auction because Amelia had made jokes about the questionable piece of art and he’d found her honesty refreshingly amusing. When she’d brought it home, Amelia had been filled with expectations and hope for what their growing relationship could potentially turn out to be.

The tasteless, framed canvas had been the first gift Owen had ever given her and Amelia had cherished it longingly, unable to take it off the wall even after they had already broken things off. Even though the image on it was horrible, the object held an immeasurable sentimental value to her.

But now Owen had gone off to war and probably got himself killed. And Amelia couldn’t handle it. She just couldn't accept it, or even understand.

Why had he left? Why had stolen her heart like that and gone away, making Amelia unable to move on with her life, making her unable to sleep at night, to eat, to breathe until she got the smallest piece of information notifying her of his status?

His crystal blue eyes haunted her mind and Amelia sat on the tip of the bed, tearing up with pain and confusion. But her emotional outburst quickly evolved to anger as the neurosurgeon felt her heart racing and her breathing getting heavier.

How was that fair to her?! Why did Owen have to be so stubborn, so unbreakable? She was insanely mad at him for actually going to a war zone, for risking his life to save other people, for leaving her behind without even bothering to say goodbye… and for disappearing without giving Amelia the chance to tell him how much she loved him.

“Damn you!” She yelled irrationally, projecting on the painting her anger with him as she threw the object. across the bedroom in an impulsive fit of maddening rage.

The fragile frame and display glass broke into a hundred pieces as it hit a wall, causing a deafening noise to wake Amelia from her uncontrolled behavior. The shattered glass on the floor made her heart break all over again and Amelia was defeated by her own emotions.

The tears started to fall so heavily and fast that once they did, Amelia lost control completely and couldn’t hold it back anymore. In seconds, she was already sobbing as she crouched down near the destroyed painting, regretting her impulsivity. The object was now completely ruined. It was a piece of Owen she would never get to have back, like so many others she had lost when she pushed him away. And Amelia felt guilt start to consume her, adding to her anxiety and distress.

Unable to keep looking at what represent very well the status of her life at that moment, Amelia left the scattered pieces behind and turned on the hot shower, in one last attempt to calm her head. She sobbed and cried throughout the entire time she spent under the warm water, clenching her fists and hitting the cold tiles on the wall with anger and frustration at the way everything seemed to crumble whenever she tried to pick herself up and live a normal life.

Then, nearly half an hour later, after all the tears had subsided, Amelia was strangely empty and more vulnerable than she had ever felt. Her eyes were swollen, her throat was constricted and the burden on her chest didn’t feel any lighter. But strangely, it was like after letting out her emotions, even if in secret, she had regained at least some control back.

The neurosurgeon finished drying her hair and walked over to the wardrobe, pulling the first pair of clean underwear she found. Amelia was just about to search for a comfortable set of pajamas when her eyes found a grey sweatshirt, so large that it obviously didn’t originally belong to her.

Pulling Owen’s old army training uniform from the hanger, Amelia put it on, despite it being way too large for her size. She pulled up the zipper, feeling the soothing touch of the soft fabric on her skin. But what comforted her the most was the way Owen’s scent still lingered on the piece of clothing, making Amelia feel that, no matter where in the world he was right now, her thoughts and her heart were with him entirely.

.

Little did Amelia know that, at that exact time, Owen was on a flight to Seattle. His team had finally been able to wrap up the mission and resume contact with the army base they reported to. The majority of people had gone home right after New Year’s eve, but Owen and April had stayed behind, making sure Danny Hill was in fit conditions to endure such a hard and extenuating transport.

When the kid was finally able to be evacuated, a medical team had taken him to Landstuhl Hospital in Germany, giving Owen and April no option but to return home.

And Owen longed for it more than anything.

The promise he’d made Danny was still very much alive in his mind and Owen counted the minutes to get to Seattle. He knew he probably should have called his mother and notified her of his upcoming arrival, but since they were only a few of hours from home, Owen planned to surprise her.

It was late morning when their flight finally landed at the airport. He and April split a cab and once Owen realized she was going straight to the hospital to surprise Jackson, he didn’t hesitate to accompany her. He had no idea if he would find Amelia there, but just the thought of maybe seeing her filled his heart with enough joy to endure the traffic at that hour.

.

Amelia dragged her feet through the hospital corridors, feeling like she had been taken down in a physical fight. Her head was throbbing from the amount of tears she had shed the night before. And Amelia still couldn’t get rid of that faltering sensation that everything around her was slowing crumbling, drowning her further in a whirlwind she wasn’t sure how to escape from anymore.

All she really wanted to become invisible, to get through that day and maybe make something meaningful out of it. But just as Amelia was walking through the corridor checking a patient’s labs in his chart, she was gently interrupted by Richard Webber.

“Oh, Amelia, hey,” the senior chief of surgery greeted her with goodheartedly. “Got time for a cup of coffee?”

The last thing on Amelia’s mind was socializing, so she settled for a forced smile as the words coming out of her mouth sounded fake even on her ears.

“Sorry, busy day.”

“Yeah.” Richard agreed. By the sound of his words, Amelia could tell he was still hovering somewhere behind her. Much to her dismay, she was sure the conversation wouldn’t there. And just like she had foreseen it, he added. “Haven’t seen you at a meeting in a while. A long while” Richard reinforced.

Amelia didn’t want to drag the subject any further but she was didn’t have the proper state of mind to discuss that.

“Like I said, really busy…”

“Edwards mentioned something about you…”

The notion that her resident had gone behind her back to speak about her made Amelia lose what little patience she had left.

“Really?” She asked irritably while turning around, in an obvious defensive posture. “What else is Edwards saying?”

Amelia noticed as Richard gently scoffed, as if trying not to make a big deal of the situation.

“I’m not accusing you.” He clarified. “I’m checking in. You know, I get to check in.” The man said, hoping she would agree. After all, they shared an important part of their lives and had repeatedly given each other support in times of need. “That’s the kind of friends we are.”

“I do not have time for coffee! I do not have time for meetings. I don’t…!” Amelia snapped, growing more resentful by the minute. All the emotions that had overloaded her just the night before came back will force and the neurosurgeon couldn’t contain the words as they seemed to automatically leave her mouth. “My job is not make you feel better about me,” She unfairly accused Richard. “My job is to make my patients get better.” Amelia stated, thinking about Jamie and the way she had been lucky enough to save her. If Amelia hadn’t acted in the exact moment she had, Jamie might not have survived. “Do you know what can happen in the hour or two I would be wasting with you?” The neurosurgeon heatedly fired, already bordering irrationality. “An hour or two matters! They matter to me! They should matter to you. They matter to my patients.” She added with certainty, grateful that she had been spending this much time at the hospital.

Richard noticed how distressed and close to losing control the young neurosurgeon was and in that moment he was sure of he’d already anticipated. Amelia wasn’t doing fine at all. During the past months, he had been tolerating her coping mechanisms because even though he knew they weren’t the most appropriate responses, at least Amelia seemed balanced.

But in the past couple of weeks, she had been acting more unusually than ever and Richard really feared that she might relapse. As she blurted out her thoughts, Amelia’s gaze met Richard’s and she tried to make sense of what was happening, but couldn’t. Everywhere she looked, there was too much loss. Uncontrollably, Amelia’s thoughts shifted to her brother and how she hadn’t even gotten to see him before he was let go.

“If I leave and my patient dies, it’s not me who will suffer, it’s his mother, his sisters, his friends, his wife, and they will hate me…” She added cruelly, rethinking the entire situation Derek had gone through and how little details she had of the whole thing. Amelia hadn’t been included in any part of the decision making and even though she tried to ignore it, the memory stung painfully. “With everything inside them, they will hate me and you and everyone here because they won’t understand why he is gone, why people always leave...” Amelia started to lose the battle to her own emotions, not noticing how personal she was getting. Her voice broke and in her child-like tone, it was obvious her words were filled with hurt and heartbreak. Owen’s face came to mind and she had to pull a herculean effort not to break down. At that moment, her outburst had already attracted attention from a lot of the hospital staff, but the neurosurgeon remained blissfully oblivious to that. “Why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without warning, without reason, in convenience stores and plane crashes and podunk hospitals with podunk doctors who don’t do what they are supposed to do which is save people!” Amelia raised her voice, thinking about all the loved ones she’d already lost, including her father, Mark, Derek, her child… She desperately didn’t want to add more names to that list and the notion alone that Owen might just join them made her sick to her stomach.

Right after her outburst, she paused to catch her breath, noticing in Richard’s lack of reaction that something was wrong.

Amelia was prepared to fight. There was so much rage brewing inside of her that nothing would please her more than engaging in a verbal battle, be it whomever was available. But judging by the expression on Richard’s face, it became clear that instead of getting angry at her, he felt sorry.

And that was more than Amelia could bear.

Suddenly, she became very aware of people whispering about her in the hallways and a fit of embarrassment and regret formed in her chest. She was just turning her head to step away from the scene when unexpectedly, her eyes caught sight of a tall blonde man dressed in combat clothes who stared back at her with a very familiar pair of amazing blue eyes.

Amelia didn’t believe what she was seeing. Maybe she really was going crazy. It had to be a hallucination.

Owen wasn’t there. He was dead… He was…

But as she looked away and tried her best to focus again, the only thing she could do was to gather her file and sneakily get out of the public place, fearing how unstable her mind was.

Amelia was deeply embarrassed to have spoken to Richard the way she had. And more than that, she was mortified by the vision she’d just had.

It couldn’t be real, could it? Seeing Owen in flesh and bone had been so overwhelming that Amelia chose not to believe it.

She really was losing it. There was no other explanation. Amelia had lost control and there was only one way she knew for sure she could get it back.

Her heart was failing. She was tired. Consumed by a chronic exhaustion after long months burying every feeling in the book under a pile of anger and work. It consumed a lot of energy to withstand that mechanism on a daily basis and Amelia had just reached her very limit.

She just didn’t know where to find the strength to keep going anymore.

Before Amelia could realize what she was doing, her feet had taken her to the fourth floor lounge where she knew a few anesthesiology residents liked to hang out.

Without ceremony, she approached a short mid twenties boy with a sickening pale skin.

“I need you to score me a bag of O.C.s”

The young man looked at her with renewed interest.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He replied sarcastically, with a corner smile that made Amelia absolutely sure he knew just too well what she meant.

It was to be expected that a guy working under her denied the fact he was in possession of drugs, but Amelia didn’t bother with small talk.

“I am not here to play around, so let’s just get straight to it…” Amelia rolled her eyes with impatience. “What’s your price?”

The guy spent seconds looking at her, as if testing the attending to see how serious she was about it. When he finally seemed convinced, he replied:

“I want in on all your craniotomies for the rest of my neuro rotation.” The resident proposed, clearly aiming high.

Amelia scoffed with despise, lowering her voice.

“You’re insane. I am not letting a burnout like you anywhere near my OR.”

The resident took offense and looked at her in a very suggestive way.

“Looks like you and me are two peas of the same pod, Dr. Shepherd.” He smiled with pretense, looking Amelia from head to toe, clearly dismissing her argument. “So I suggest you take back what you just said.”

Amelia swallowed hard. She didn’t have an answer for that. She was a drug addict and right now, one who really needed to get something. Even if she weren’t going to use it, Amelia just needed the comfort of knowing she had it available in case everything got out of control again.

“You’re not going in my OR.” The neurosurgeon affirmed with authority. “What else do you want for it?” She asked firmly, determined to make the trade.

The sneaky third year resident slid his hands into his shoulder bag and removed a little plastic bag so sneakily that Amelia would totally have missed it in case she wasn’t directly looking.

Feeling overconfident, the young man took one step forward and very suggestively placed the bag in Amelia’s scrub pocket, on purpose taking his time.

“You know, I can think of a couple of ways you can pay me back…” He suggestively looked from her eyes to her lips and then to her breasts.

And Amelia felt nauseated.

Taking one step back with violence, she quickly got rid of his touch and stared at the man with fury in her eyes.

“You touch me again and I will make sure you don’t see the inside of an OR for the rest of your life.” Amelia threatened, grabbing the small bag inside her pocket with force. “I will keep this as an apology for what you did.”

Even though the neurosurgeon had sounded confident, on the inside she was shaking. Nothing could guarantee that young man wouldn’t go around the hospital halls spreading rumors. Her reputation was already rocky and the anesthesiology resident wasn’t exactly known for having a role model behavior.

But after being faced with her rejection, the boy gave her a corner smile, almost as if approvingly.

“Next time you need something from me, you aren’t going to take it.” He assured her. “We will be sharing it.”

The propriety with which he said the words, following by his lascivious stare made Amelia even more nauseated. Before she could realize what she was doing, the neurosurgeon found herself going back home, taking the little white pack safely kept in her pocket.

.

A few hours later, Amelia lost track of how much time she spent pacing back and forth in her brother’s front yard.

For some reason, she just couldn’t seem to enter the house. The tiny bag in her pocket was the key to make all that pain go away and even though Amelia desperately wanted to use it, she knew she shouldn’t.

It was so hard to think about everything that was happening and process it, that Amelia spent her time focusing on emptying her mind, instead. She tried not to think about Owen or her brother or even her young patient who had just received a lung transplant.

But when a deep male voice spoke from behind startling her, Amelia could feel her heart skipping a beat.

“Hey.”

The neurosurgeon turned around in surprise, instantly meeting serene blue eyes that stared at her with longing and something else Amelia couldn’t quite identify. But as Owen came striding in her direction with an expression of hope in his face, Amelia found it hard to remain disconnected.

“It’s good to see you.” He added, unsure of what exactly to say.

“Hey.” Amelia breathed out, turning her back to him in denial as she tried to contain her emotions.

This couldn’t be happening. Owen was there and she was paralyzed. After losing so many people she loved, Amelia had already learned that staying up at night wishing they would come back never made any difference. So she had pretty much given up hope. When Owen was presumed dead, she prepared herself for another round of funerals and heartbreak.

But actually seeing him alive and well was so overwhelming that Amelia was frozen.

Owen noticed the stiffness in her body language and he kept his distance, despite his wish to wrap his arms around her to never again let go. As he’d arrived in the hospital just moments before, he was not sure if he would see her again. But then he’d spotted her name in the OR board and the way his heart swelled simply overtook him. Owen had not been ready for such an intense reaction.

The prospect of actually seeing her again fueled him to take a detour just so he could check up on her. After all that time, how would Amelia be coping? Judging by the little he’d seen earlier that day when she’d ranted at Richard Webber, Amelia wasn’t nearly as okay as Owen wished she was.

He’d taken a couple of hours to go see his mother and found the woman at a mortified state of mind. But after Evelyn was finally convinced her son was in one piece, Owen just had to see the neurosurgeon again.

Preferably, in privacy.

“Feels like I’ve been away forever, but I see nothing’s changed.” He casually commented, hoping to lure her into the conversation. His eyes fell upon the remains of a branch tree upon which he’d hung a sandbag the day Amelia had willingly walked over to his trailer and confessed she wanted his company right after Nicole Herman had finally woken up from her surgery. “Except they chopped down that old tree.”

Amelia turned her eyes in the direction he was pointing, not really following up with the conversations. She was restless and didn’t know yet what was happening. Her mind just couldn’t get in synchrony with her feelings and she was growing agitated and impatient by the minute.

“Yeah,” the neurosurgeon automatically replied, too distracted to have absorbed the content of his words.

Owen noticed how anxious she looked. He waited in the hopes she would express any inclination to talk, or at least show some sort of positive feeling to see him.

Owen had waited for that moment ever since the day he’d left. All he wanted was to go to her and hold her, hoping that Amelia would be as happy to see him as he was to see her. But as she made herself even more distant and kept her silence, the trauma surgeon realized that maybe he had been too hopeful with his wishes.

“Okay, I’ll…” Owen felt his heart shattering. “I’ll see you around.” He added as he walked way, devastated to realize the woman he loved wasn’t the least interested in even asking how he was after he’d spent nearly a year in a war zone.

And just as Owen was taking his fingers to the bridge of his nose, trying to keep his own feelings in check, her words cut the thin air like a blade slicing perfectly healthy skin.

“I have a baggie full of black-market Oxy in my coat pocket and I’m trying to decide whether or not to take it.”

Owen froze in his feet, instantly turning around in alarm. As he did so, Amelia shamelessly flashed him the bag, almost as if daring him to stop her from doing it.

Amelia’s words had left her lips so suddenly and impulsively, that the neurosurgeon didn’t even get to think of why she had decided to share it. For the past nine months, Amelia had been avoiding talking to anyone as much as she could.

And yet now, without asking a single question, Owen had already somehow managed to break her defenses and earn a confession from her.

The realization alarmed Amelia and she went back to her most daring mode, defensively despising everyone and everything around her in order to guard her own feelings.

“I’ve got the Dead-Derek thing completely managed.” She said in order to convince herself too. It was clear in Owen’s eyes that he didn’t believe her, so Amelia went further, testing him to see how far he could take it. “I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody’s been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just… Boom! Become a mess.” Amelia knew she was scandalizing and kept on acting like that on purpose, just to see if Owen would shrug and realize she was a basket case and unworthy of his time as he walked away or if he would stick around to actually be convinced that she was indeed handling it. “Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off…” Amelia confessed, thinking about the day of the funeral and how back then everyone had looked at her expecting the youngest Shepherd to make a scene. “My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling… Everyone.” The neurosurgeon confessed, realizing that ever since her brother had died, this was the first time she actually talked about it with anyone. Her mother and Addison hadn’t been the only ones to try, even Sheldon and Charlotte had been very insistent on it, but Amelia mostly rejected their calls and replied with short messages later stating that she was fine. “It makes sense. It’s natural.” Amelia added with despise, thinking about how she’d gotten close to mourning Owen too and how that had devastated her.

Owen softened his expression, trying to quickly catch up with the unspoken words of what she was saying. It had become clear in a matter of seconds after seeing her that Amelia was anything but fine.

It was obvious in her every word and action that she was clearly in pain and Owen felt a wave of self loathing consuming himself when he thought about just how much Amelia had probably gone through, and most likely alone.

He’d left her thinking that she was surely going to count on her family’s support as she planned to move to New York, but it was obvious none of that had happened. Instead, he’d come home to find her in an erratic state of mind, most likely having gone back to doing drugs again.

Owen’s temple began to throb and he looked at the gorgeous woman standing in front of him, exhaling so much pain in every word that he couldn’t withstand seeing it.

“Every man I’ve ever loved has died, including my baby.” Amelia recalled. First her father, then her son, then her brother… How dumb was she to expect that Owen would somehow escape her toxic curse? And yet, there he was, standing up just a few feet away, deeply looking into her eyes while Amelia finally let her walls down after months of walking around in circles. “Thank you, universe. So I should be, like… Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I’m good. I got this. I am fine. I’m telling you, I’m amazing. I am saving lives left and right.” Amelia added, not sure if her despise was at the situation or at herself. As she spoke, Owen kept staring at her with loving eyes, almost as if waiting for her rant to finish so he could intervene. The realization made Amelia even more determined to be convincing. “I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining! Joke, joke, joke! I’m funny! I’m fun! I’m a party! I’m doing… I’m great!” Her voice faltered as she realized she was failing to convince ever herself. How could Owen just come back from a war zone and look so together while she was one step away from completely falling apart? Beaten up exhaustion, Amelia toned down her voice and took a deep breath before saying, giving up the worked up attitude. “I’m handling the dead-Derek thing really well.”

“Okay.”

Owen kept meticulously studying her expression. He knew she was lying. She did too, he was sure. But Owen also knew that Amelia had probably not expressed her feelings in any way close to now. He had a bad feeling that, for the past nine months, Amelia had carefully kept all that pain stored somewhere deep inside of her, unable to cope with it.

“Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee,” He heard her interrupt his thoughts. “And then I went and scored Oxy from this junkie doctor.”

Immediately, Owen’s expression changed from understanding to concerned. The trauma surgeon frowned as he took one step forward, clearly anxious.

“But you haven’t taken any?

“Not yet.” Amelia replied, finally encountering some emotion in him. She noticed how her revelation had alarmed him, and unconsciously tested his limits, acting indifferent and uncaring just to see how far he’d stay to stop her. “But I might.” She raised her eyebrows in clear defiance. “That’s the thing. I really actually might.”

It didn’t take Amelia long to figure out he wasn’t going anywhere. The realization touched her at the same time it brought back all her anger at him for endangering his life when the single thought of losing him had nearly devastated her.

“I have been sober for one thousand three hundred twenty one days, Owen.” Amelia heard her own voice breaking. “I was fine. I was managed. But I might.”

Owen saw the stubbornness in her eyes and had to control an urge not to go to her and put some sense into her head with his touch instead of his words. It’d been too long since the last time he’d been able to hold her. And he wanted that, more than anything.

Amelia was hurting deeply. She had every reason to. And because she probably had never been taught how to cope with pain very well, she was acting out like a child throwing a tantrum, longing for the limits, acceptance and consolation she had never been offered.

“All this stuff you’re managing…” Owen crossed his arms behind his back, using his best authoritative voice. In a matter of seconds, Amelia’s response went from angry and frustrated to retreated and vulnerable. He noticed and softened his voice, trying to give her the understanding she had very likely never received during that time. Perhaps not in her entire life. “You’re not supposed to be managing it.” Owen took one step closer. “You’re supposed to be feeling it. Grief, loss, pain. It is normal.”

“It’s not normal.” Amelia chided, irritated. None of what happened was normal. Losing that many people, seeing so much pain… None of that slightly normal.

“It is.” Owen insisted. In that moment, Amelia turned her back and walked away, refusing to hear what she supposed would come next.

Just like everyone else, Owen would tell her much of a failure she was. That while everyone else just toughened it up, it was Amelia who was the weak one for allowing her feelings to get the best of her.

“It is normal. It is not normal to you because you’ve never done it.”

Amelia stopped walking, surprised by the words coming out of his mouth. She looked up to meet his eyes, confused and intrigued at the same time, but Owen didn’t seem to notice any of that as he insistently stood in her way, forcing her to hear what he had to say.

“Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you’ve shoved it all down and do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You…” He straightforwardly explained. Amelia was grateful in that moment that he didn’t dance around the subject, or talked about it like she was a monster for resorting to drugs in the first place. It was the first time someone talked about her addiction without an ounce of judgment and the realization awed her.

Her vision got blurry when tears started to assault her eyes, but Amelia was still able to notice how affected by his own words Owen also became. It was like he had just had an epiphany.

Too mortified after realizing he had done the same thing he was accusing her of, Owen sat down, feeling the worst he’d felt since he got there.

“Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.” He courageously admitted, flashing his army cap in surrender. “I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty.” Amelia noticed how disturbed he was and in that moment, she felt sorry for him too. It was obvious Owen was hurting just as much and not for the first time, she wondered who was ever there for the man who took care of everybody else with such fiber and courage when he needed a shoulder to cry on.

“We do these things. We run off, and we… And we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it’s not normal.” Owen exposed the wound, unaware of how much he was getting to Amelia at that moment. His words were describing her reactions exactly, and Amelia had never felt so understood. And by including the simple fact that he wasn’t that much different made Amelia hate herself a little less. Because if Owen, of all people, was capable of failing too, then maybe she wasn’t really that bad as she was made to believe. Amelia had no dimension of just how much she admired him and to see him share the same feelings as he deeply touched her heart. “We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to love, and hate, and hurt, and grieve, and break, and be destroyed…” Owen got up, focusing his entire attention on her again, noticing how affected she had become. “And rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s… That’s… That’s being alive.” He explained. “That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t… Don’t avoid it. Don’t extinguish it.”

Amelia stood in silence, feeling her heart swelling as tears assaulted her eyes.

During most of her life, she had been censored every time she expressed any emotion that wasn’t convenient to the people around her. Until all those feelings had culminated with a drug addiction as a desperate measure to shove them all down. Amelia had learned the hard way that it didn’t work. So she just coped with things the way people around her usually did.

And now this wonderful man stood in front of her and encouraged Amelia to do what she had desperately wanted to do her entire life, but never could. Until she had grown too afraid of her own reactions to even consider it.

“Derek died.” Amelia admitted with a broken voice, for the first time processing the dimension of those two simple words. Owen knew his eyes were tearing up too when he nodded affirmatively, anticipating what was about to come. Amelia would break down and his heart would be torn in two, but she had to do it, for her own sake. It was long overdue, and she needed that more than he needed not to see her suffer. “He died. I don’t want to feel it. I… I don’t think I can. I don’t think I even want to…” Amelia felt herself losing control and fought the familiar sensation of spiraling down. Immediately, she reached out for her pocket where the bag of oxy had been shoved down. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this.”

“You have to. If you don’t…” Owen tried to reason.

“No, I can’t. Shh! I can’t do this!” She insisted, sniffing soundly.

“You… You have to.” Owen raised his voice to interrupt her. Once he was sure he had all her attention, he added with certainty. “If you don’t, that bag of Oxy is not going to be your last.”

Amelia looked into Owen’s eyes, breathing in and out heavily. She had a decision to make and she knew it.

She could take the easier route and simply go back inside, make all of her problems disappear with that small white bag and simply live to see another day. It wouldn’t hurt, quite the contrary. It would cause a much needed feeling of bliss that she hadn’t felt in a very long time… Probably ever since she had allowed herself to be happy with Owen while worrying about nothing.

Or, she could give up the drugs, keep her sobriety and drown in the worst sensations. Amelia knew it was the only way to make all that pain go away permanently, but she rejected the sorrow with her entire being. She’d already had to process the loss of too many people she loved, so the neurosurgeon knew how cruel and soul shaping the experience could be. She wasn’t ready for it. She didn’t have any reason to choose this option.

And yet, the man she loved stood in front of her offering Amelia a lot more than she probably deserved. And she had to do it. For him, but mostly for her.

Giving the bag of oxy one last look, Amelia stretched out her hand, finally giving it up. And with that gesture, she also made her choice.

The moment Owen’s hand touched hers to collect the bag, Amelia was assaulted by the weight of nine months of unshed tears. A scream of utter pain and sorrow left her lips and she had to support her hands on her knees not to lose her balance.

Owen heard her weeping and took a deep breath to be able to endure it. Seeing Amelia breaking down like that was worse than anything else he’d experienced in the past months.

Also surrendering and accepting the pain, Owen kneeled down beside her, catching her as she fell.

“You’re going to be okay.” He assured her, relieved to finally have her back in his arms. It had been too many agonizing months in which Owen had dreamed of it. Finding Amelia in that condition had certainly not been what he imagined, but he was determined to never let her go again. “You’re going to survive this, okay?” Owen promised, gently caressing her hair, overwhelmed by just how much he missed it. “Everybody does.” Among her cries, Amelia finally wrapped her arms around his neck, giving Owen the confirmation that she too had been waiting for that moment. Now that she was with him, he could finally breathe in peace again. With a smile of joy and relief, Owen finally relaxed, focusing entirely on comforting her. Amelia’s wellbeing was the most important thing at that moment. “It’s perfectly normal. It’s boring, even. It’s so normal.”

Owen closed his eyes and kissed the side of her face, grateful to the universe that he was back home again in time to prevent a disaster, and that she was there, safely kept in his arms. Despite the shape she was in at that moment, the trauma surgeon kept his positivity because from now on, Owen would take care of her. He would make sure she was okay, no matter what.

They lost count of how many minutes Amelia stayed in his embrace, crying her heart out. Slowly, Owen got up with her, but didn’t let her go for one second. Soon enough, Amelia buried her face between his neck and his chest. He could feel her tears wetting his clothes, adding to his own pain. Owen was relieved for her that she was finally letting it all out, but seeing her do it was incredibly devastating for him too.

“You left…” Amelia broken voice interrupted the silence, shattering what little self-respect Owen still had left. “You went away and I thought you’d died out there.”

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” Owen tightened his grip around her, cursing the heavens for not having the peace of mind to stay when she probably needed him the most.

“You left and it’s all my fault.” Amelia added with a muffled voice, surprising him. Just as Owen was about to ask what she was talking about, she finally brought her head up, staring at him with those gorgeous silver eyes filled with so much sorrow and regret. “I know I said I…” Her voice broke once again as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I didn’t mean to…” She pleaded with a trembling lower lip. “I never meant to… Owen,” her voice was nearly a whisper now. “I am sorry…I am so sorry…”

Owen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, or else he’d risk breaking down too. He wrapped his arms around her even tighter, not quite believing what was happening. Amelia was in pain, part of which he’d inflicted not only by leaving but also by adding to her concern and yet now she stood in his arms, asking for his forgiveness for the way she had reacted. And the thing was, Owen couldn’t even blame her.

“You’re going to be okay now.” He assured her, holding her face with one hand while his other arm kept a steady grip around her waist. “There’s nothing to be sorry for… You’re okay now…” Owen repeated, assuring himself just as much as he assured her. His lips brushed on her temple as he felt Amelia melting in his arms again.

They were immersed in a comfortable silence, both dealing with the repercussions of that moment individually.

For months, Amelia hadn’t been able to relax, drowning in work to distract herself from everything that had happened. Her many sleepless nights had only added to her discomfort, causing more anxiety in a pattern that never seemed to break. Just the day before, she thought she lost Owen too, and that had been the final drop to send her in a downward spiral.

But Owen had come back, found her and rescued her in time. Amelia thought back about the many other times when she’d needed him and how he’d never failed to be there.

“Will you…” She hesitated as she looked up to meet his eyes, unwilling to let him go. Amelia looked scared, like she was afraid he would say no to her question. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Owen felt the soft touch of her hand on his chest as her amazing blue eyes stared at him with so much vulnerability and pain that he knew what he was going to say before he even processed the question. He dug his fingers through her locks of soft brown hair, rejoicing in the familiarity of her scent.

Amelia smelled like home.

“Please, don’t leave me again.”

Her voice was so broken and her expression so desperate that Owen felt one tear rolling down his face too. She thought she had to convince him. Owen leaned over, kissing her forehead for long seconds, trying to assure her that he wasn’t going anywhere.

It was his first night back in the city. He had barely even gone to see his mother yet. His trailer was neglected, being locked for so long and he’d barely had any time to rest, spending nearly a day flying halfway across the world to come back. Everything in his life had been put on hold. His job, his house, his family.

But the only thing that would bring him any peace of mind tonight was being with the one who’d occupied his thoughts every day for the past nine months. And luckily for Owen, she didn’t seem to want to leave his arms any more than he wanted to let her go.

Using his thumb to wipe another stubborn tear from falling on her gorgeous face, Owen tenderly smiled at her, eager to comfort her in any way he could.

“Of course I will stay.”

--

[rfsak2]

Cactus, Part XVI

Enjoy! Leave me a line or two!

Cactus, Part XVI Summary: Style. The Styles Warnings: A mild panic attack brought on by claustrophobia.

“Harry Lambert.” Jamie whined and cast a look back at Harry. “Why is everything for pregnant women so… yuck?”

The blond man giggled. “Well, not every pregnant woman is a tattooed guitarist married to a rock star. That’s why.”

Jamie chuckled. “I just don’t want to look like…” She gestured vaguely at the whole maternity section in Selfridges. “I don’t want to look like this.”

“I told you we wouldn’t find anythin’ here, Jamie. I did tell you. I swear, you just wanted to brave Oxford Street for shits and giggles.” He smiled at Jamie and squeezed her elbow. “We’ll go downstairs get a few pairs of maternity denim made. I’m sure they have a rush fee we can pay and get them relatively quickly. Then we’ll call Alice + Olivia and see if they won’t make a wardrobe for you.”

“Do you think they will?” Jamie continued shuffling through the racks with lackluster enthusiasm.

“Oh look! This is cute!” Lou lifted a shirt from the rack and made a face. “Nevermind. I lied.”

Gemma huffed. “It’s all so shapeless.”

“And therein lies the rub. Harry… my Harry…our Harry?” Jamie smiled at Gemma and made a face.

“I’m our Harry too.” Harry Lambert pouted.

Turning to kiss him on the cheek, she nodded. “I know. Poor word choice. Shapeless won’t square with Harry, my husband, Harry. He’s already obsessed with my stomach and I’m just now showing. Shapeless will not fly.”

Gemma shook her head. “It simply won’t do, dahling. No sister of mine is going to walk around in a muumuu. You are a young, sexy mummy. This is unacceptable.”

Jamie smiled. “Yeah, this is all horrible. Harrods didn’t have anything?” Harry shook his head. “Okay and you’re sure that Alice + Olivia will do maternity for me?”

“Love, they’re going to trip over their feet to accommodate you. You’re basically a brand ambassador given the amount of money you spend there.” Harry smiled and leaned on a rack. “And if they won’t, then we are in London, love. We can go to Jenny Packham.”

Jamie made a face. “I love Jenny Packham and I love Kate-”

Lou made a face. “Boring!”

Shrugging, Jamie nodded. “She’s a very fashionable woman, but I’m a musician not a princess. She’s so stately and proper… I wanna keep being sexy for a bit longer.”

“You’re gonna always be sexy, dearie. I promise. And I see your point. No to Jenny Packham.” Harry hung up a jumper. “Okay. Downstairs to Paige for denim and we’ll make do with what you have as far as tops. You can always wear your hubby’s clothes if push comes to shove.”

“I do that anyways.” She grinned at Gemma.

“Exactly. No harm no foul.” He ushered them out of the maternity section. “I’ll call A+O on the way.”

Jamie nodded and they made for the escalators, pausing to grab Brandon from the bench where they left him.

She was getting measured by the tailor, chatting with Gemma and Lou, when Harry sauntered to her, phone pressed to his ear. “So A+O’s rep is patchin’ me over to Stacey Bendet as we sp- Stacey Bendet! How very nice to talk to you. I’m Harry Lambert-” He paused and nodded, smiling. “Yes, I’m in the process of collecting together a maternity wardrobe for a regular- well a religious- client of yours.”

Another pause and Jamie lifted her arms over her head at the direction of the tailor.

Gemma smiled and whispered. “Have you always worn Alice + Olivia?”

Jamie nodded. “At least since I moved to LA.”

“I need to go shopping with you then. I like your clothes.”

“I think Harrods carries it. We should run by.”

“Yes. Jamie Styles.” Harry grinned. “Yes. That Jamie Styles. She’s worn a number of your pieces during not only this current tour but past tours as well and I’m fairly certain that she owns every single leather or suede item you’ve ever sold. She’s been quite taken for a good long while.”

He smiled at Jamie and gave her a thumbs up. “Currently, we’re looking for a full wardrobe honestly. Everything she’ll need to get her through the next seven months. We’d need mostly casual pieces, pieces she can wear on stage, but there is always a need for some more formal pieces.”

Jamie smiled and stepped down off the fitting pedestal and moved to choose denims. Gemma and Lou leaned over her shoulder to lend their assistance.

“Well, I’m sure that everything that comes out of your pencil is gold and my client agrees. She likes leather, she likes print and color, she likes classic shapes and she’s young and sexy and a little retro and doesn’t want to look matronly or proper or anything like that. I think she just honestly loves your aesthetic and doesn’t want to have to sacrifice that because she’s got a bun in the oven.”

“Do you think she could make me maternity trousers in like leather or suede…” Jamie winced and turned to Lou. “Is that weird?”

Lou shook her head and Harry smiled. “I have a direct request from my client. Maternity trousers in leather or suede. Maybe both?” He hummed. “She’s currently 14 weeks. She hasn’t even really started showing in earnest, honestly.”

“I’m a sucker for leather and suede.”

Harry made an obscene face. “So is young Hazza.”

Jamie giggled.

“That’s excellent. We are so very pleased. We’ll be in Europe for the next three weeks roughly. Is there an atelier here in London that I can take my client to get measured?” He nodded. “That’s perfect. Thank you! My client is very excited.” He hummed and relayed his contact info. “I’ll be looking forward to your email. Thank you again.”

Jamie smiled and leaned against the counter while the cashier processed her payment. Her hand drifted down to rub idly at her tiny baby bump. “So what’s the verdict?”

“She’s going to make you an entire wardrobe as promised.” Harry curtsied. “She says she’s going to try and hide clever gusseting so you can keep wearing them throughout your pregnancy. We’ll go get you measured when she finds out what atelier here she wants to use. She’s actually quite excited about this project. She likes the idea of maternity wear for young, cool, sexy mums.”

“Good!” Jamie clapped. “That’s excellent! How long do you think it will take?”

“She’ll start pushing out basics as soon as they’re done. Within the month, I’d imagine. Maybe two months for everything?” Harry linked arms with her. “Where to now? Lunch, ladies and Brandon?”

They started strolling toward the front door. Jamie rubbed idly at her belly, Baby Styles was doing somersaults in her uterus. “Yeah. I’m half-starved.”

Gemma smiled. “Duck and Waffle?”

Lou made a face. “Can we get a last minute res?”

“I’m sure w-” Jamie cursed under her breath and paused just outside the door, where she could see people with cameras loitering outside.

Brandon pulled out his phone and shrugged. “I guess it’s a good thing we left Jack in t’car, huh Mrs. Styles?”

Nodding as he spoke into the phone, Jamie sighed and smiled at Gemma and Lou. “Well-”

“Oh my god! You’re Jamie Styles.”

The dull chatter that followed filled Jamie with a unique sense of dread that she was sure she’d never become familiar with. Sooner than she’d like, there was a small group of people crowded around her, pressing in on what felt like every side, all pushing and shuffling to get closer, talking over each other to be heard.

She never considered herself particularly claustrophobic until moments like this started happening more frequently. She had to fight the urge to cradle her stomach protectively, shielding the little flutter that lived low in her tummy from the chaos that surrounded her.

She smiled and nodded, posing for a selfie with the nearest girl, someone just a bit younger than her who was all but screaming that she had gotten tickets to one of the three shows they were playing at the O2. She nodded and mouthed ‘thank you’ and turned to pose for another selfie.

Then another one and another one…

“Can I take a video for my instagram? Say-”

“Oh my God! Will you-”

“Can you-”

Brandon leaned over and whispered in her ear. “The car will be around in a bit, Mrs. S.”

She nodded while Brandon gently corralled them back against the wall nearest to the door. She tried for friendly and kept smiling, mentally counting down the seconds. She sucked in a deep breath as people pressed even closer. He stepped in front of her, pausing the sudden everflow of people. “Let’s give her some room, guys.”

“Are you pregnant, Jamie?”

“You’re gonna have adorable babies!”

“What’s it like having sex with Harry fuckin’ Styles every night? I bet he’s real kinky.”

She tried for another smile but could feel it cracking around the edges as Gemma grabbed one of her arms. “Are you okay?”

Jamie nodded.

Lou came up on her other side. “Are you sure? You’re white as a ghost, love.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just too many people.” She glanced out the door and sighed, noticing the paps that were now blocking off the sidewalk, some already snapping pictures through the glass door. “So many people. Shoulda never-”

“Hey, none of that.” Harry shook his head at her. “We needed to do some shopping and you needed to get out of the house. Doesn’t do to sequester you like you’re a bloody invalid.”

Brandon’s phone rang and he went into overdrive, tucking her up against his side as shouldered his way through the crowd, out the door and through the paps.

Gemma, Lou and Harry seemed to form a protective shield around her free side. She’s not sure she made it into the car before she passed out.

When she came to, the car was in motion and someone was fanning her. Gemma gasped when her eyes opened and she smiled, still fanning her. “Oh Jesus! You’re awake!” She smiled. “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

Jamie nodded and moved to sit up fully in her seat, hand instinctively coming up to cradle the baby. She rubbed at her eyes with her free hand. “What happened?”

“You passed the fuck out!” Lou turned to her, eyes wide. “Are you okay? Brandon had to physically carry you into the car. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.. I’m fine.” Jamie smiled. “I just got a bit overwhelmed, is all. I’m fine. I feel fine.” She smiled softly, looking outside and noticing the familiar neighborhood. The baby did another little dance and she smiled at the reassuring little flutter. “Sorry that I scared you. Guess that means no Duck and Waffle.”

Harry snorted. “Your husband is not so blase. He’s going mad.”

She smiled and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She hit Harry’s number and he answered on the first ring.

“Jamie? Jamie, is that you? Are you okay?” He sounded frantic and she smiled. He seemed to be getting the lion’s share of her pregnancy anxiety.

“Hey, baby. I’m fine-” She smiled at Gemma and rolled her eyes.

“Jesus. Monster, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Didn’t mean to scare ya. Sorry, baby.”

She could hear him breathe a sigh of relief. “You’re sure you’re alright, love? You’ve never passed out before.”

“Yeah, I’m sure I’m fine.”

“Is the baby?” He sucked in a breath. “I should’ve gone with you, love. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You had interviews, baby. I’m fine. The baby is still dancing tap in my belly. We’re both fine. I probably should’ve taken something to chew on. Got too hungry and then the crowd… Just got a bit overwhelmed, it’s fine.”

He breathed deep again. “Okay. You’re on the way home now?”

“Yeah, five minutes more probably.”

“Good thing we don’t have a show tonight.” He chuckled. “We can take it easy and stay in, yeah?”

She frowned. “Weren’t we supposed to go out with Nick tonight?”

“We can have him here. No need to tempt fate twice, right? I’ll text him, we can invite the London crew over for dinner or summat.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” She smiled. “You’re cookin’ though. I’ll clean.”

“Deal.” He chuckled. “How was shopping?”

“Only really found jeans at Selfridges, they’ll be ready by the end of the week. Everything else was dowdy and boring and shapeless. However…”

“Yes?”

She smiled. “Harry Lambert talked to the folks over at Alice + Olivia-”

“Your favorite.”

“Indeed. They’re gonna design a maternity wardrobe for me!”

Harry Lambert stole the phone. “Be pleased with me, Mr. Styles. I got leather trousers for your wife.”

Jamie chuckled and nabbed her phone back. “I asked him to ask A+O about leather or suede trousers, thank you very much.”

He chuckled. “I like the sound of that.”

She smiled and looked out the window. “We’re at the driveway now, baby. See you in a mo’.” Everyone turned to her, besides Jack in the driver’s seat. “I’m fine, y’all. Promise.”

Brandon looked so upset, she leaned forward and squeezed the burly man’s shoulder. “It’s fine, Brandy. I’m fine.”

“You fainted.”

“It’s part of pregnancy, bro. I’m fine.”

**

“Well, everything looks fine. Still as healthy as ever. You’ve not had a fainting spell since, right?” A different doctor in a different city smiled and pressed the ultrasound wand to her belly.

“Nope.”

He nodded. “That’s good. You’ve been feeling baby move for awhile, right?” Jamie nodded, eyes on the screen. “Dad, have you?” Harry pouted and squeezed Jamie’s hand. “No, not yet.”

The doctor laughed. “That’s to be expected. Baby’s not quite big enough yet but soon. Any time now really.” He skated the wand over her stomach. “And there they are!”

The image on the screen was almost eerily detailed. The baby shifted bringing their hands to their mouth and she gasped, the dimple forming in its cheek.

“They have your dimples, Haz. Holy shit!”

Harry dropped a kiss on her shoulder and smiled. “So beautiful.” He leaned over and kissed her. “Thank yeh, love. Thank yeh for this.”

She smiled. “You helped, baby.”

He snorted. “You’re the one growing them inside a’yeh. I just did the fun part.” He leaned over and kissed her again. “I love yeh. So much.”

“I love you too, baby.”

The doctor smiled and pointed out different things, commenting on development. “Baby, looks good. Very healthy.” The wand skated over her belly. “Did you want to know the sex? Or are you planning to do one of those fancy gender reveal parties?”

Jamie smiled. “No party. We’d like to know. Right, baby?”

Harry chuckled. “Yeah, I wanna know.”

“You sure. You can still say no.” She turned to the doctor and shrugged. “Ever since the first ultrasound, he’s been back and forth. ‘Yes, I wanna know,’ ‘No, I wanna wait.’”

“I wanna know.” He grinned. “Gotta get Gucci started on baby clothes.”

She snickered and kissed his forehead. “Technically you don’t really need the baby’s sex to get Gucci started.”

“No, of course, not.” He looked aghast, comically so. “It’s not that I want gender specific clothing. I want them to embroider initials on everything. We need to name our little monster so I can get them started on monogramming literally everything we own.”

She smiled and turned to the doctor. “So what are we havin’, doc?”

The Doctor smiled and pointed out the legs. “Baby Styles is a baby girl!”

“You know she’s going to have you wrapped around her little finger, right?” Jamie snickered, later over dinner. “She’s gonna be able to get away with anything and everything.”

Harry smiled. “Just like her mother then.”

She grinned. “And those dimples. She is gonna rule the world.”

Harry kissed her temple. “Can I look at the picture again, love?”

She dug the 4D scan out of her bag and passed it over. He sighed, wrapping his arm around her waist. “She’s so beautiful.” He grinned. “We make a pretty kid, monster. She’s bloody perfect.”

She nodded and took the scan back. “We do indeed. She’s got your mouth, I think… Your dimples for sure.”

“Do you think she’ll be blonde?” He grinned and pulled her hand to his mouth. “If she is, she really will be a little Aphrodite. A little platinum blonde heart-breaker.”

She smiled and traced the baby’s cheek, her other hand moving to rest discretely on her baby bump. “I can’t believe I haven’t even really met her yet and I love her so much.”

Harry sipped his wine. “What do you mean you haven’t met her yet? You’ve been carrying her around for almost five months. I haven’t met her yet. She won’t even let me feel her.” He pouted.

Snickering, she stowed the scan safely away in her purse. “She knows you’re voice though, baby. She always gets more active when you’re talkin’ or singin’ to her.”

He grinned and spread his massive hand over her stomach. “Our little baby girl.” He kissed her.

“What should we name her?” She grinned.

“Jagger.”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Fleetwood.” She arched an eyebrow at him and he smiled. “Walsh? Joey. That’d be cute. C’mon.”

She shook her head.

“Santana.”

“Nice try but no.” She smiled. “My mother will appreciate that you threw it out there though.”

He grinned, dimple deep in his cheek. “Janis or Jimi.”

“As much as I love them, I’m not naming my child after someone who OD’d on heroin. Given family history and all that…” She shrugged. “Seems like tempting fate.”

“Reasonable.” He nodded casually. “Stevie is a nice name.”

“No. We’re not naming our child after musicians. I wanna give her a normal name. Not one everyone and their mother is going to criticize.”

“Stevie is normal.” He pouted. “And she’s a very cool lady. Great role model.”

She shook her head, giggling against the back of her seat. “Granted, but we are not going to name our child after someone we actually know who isn’t related to us.”

“Why?” He sipped at his wine. “It’s cute.”

“It is. Absolutely and she’s a helluva woman to be named after but that opens the door to ‘well, why didn’t you name her ‘x’, I’ve known you longer…. Blah blah blah.” She shook her head. “No. We’re going to have a real hard time choosing godparents as it is.”

“I was actually thinking Mitch for godfather.”

“Oh that’s a great idea. I love that.” She nodded. “I was thinking Lola for godmother. She’s insane but she’s a great mother and I love her.”

“I’m fine with Lola.” He leaned over to kiss her again. “Though she is absolutely off her bloody rocker. Kid will never be bored, I guess.”

“Mitch will even that out.”

“No to Stevie. Okay.” He chuckled. “What’s yer suggestion then? Ye’ve suggested literally nothing. I’m doing all the hard work.”

She grinned. “I was thinking of naming her after one of our mothers.” She shrugged. “Next baby girl can be the other mother.” “Next one?” He grinned.

“Do you really think we’ll stop with just one? I’m from a massive family, you love kids.”

Shaking his head, he blew her a kiss. “I’m happy to keep making babies with yeh as long as yeh are happy to have them. So Anne or Angelica?”

“Well… I was thinking of changing it a bit… like Annette or Annemarie and Evangeline.” She shrugged. “Give them their own identity so it isn’t always ‘Big Anne’ and ‘Little Anne’, y’know?”

He smiled. “I like Evangeline and I like Annemarie. Very pretty. I feel like Evangeline is a little blonde with dimples who’s going to rule the world.”

“We don’t know that she’s blonde yet, baby.” She smiled and sipped her water. “Evangeline eats chauvinists for breakfast and has her daddy wrapped around her finger. Already.”

He relaxed back against the booth, one of the truest, purest smiles she’d ever seen on his face. “I’m a daddy.” He grinned at her. “I’m a daddy and yer a mummy and we’re having a little girl in five months. Can I see the picture again?”

“Is it sinking in yet?” She passed it over.

“Little by little.” He kissed her again, before tracing his little girl’s nose. “We can called her Evie.” Jamie made a big show of closing her eyes and savoring the name. “Evangeline Styles… Evie Styles. She is going to be the coolest little girl ever.”

He nodded. “Middle name?”

She shrugged. “That I haven’t really given much thought to, honestly.”

“Evangeline… Evangeline Elizabeth… Evangeline Catherine…”

“Too many syllables.” She smiled. “Needs to be shorter.”

Harry squinted in thought. “Evangeline…”

He shifted and the sleeve of his shirt rode up, revealing the rose inked into his skin. “Rose!” She smiled and tapped his tattoo. “Evangeline Rose.”

“Evangeline Rose Styles.” He leaned forward. “For the record I like it, it’s pretty, but no. We won’t be naming anyone after my tattoos… or yers for that matter. We’ll end up with like William T-Rex Styles and that won’t do, love.”

She snickered and stuck her tongue out. “Be the coolest kid on the block though.”

“Annette Saggy-Tits Mermaid Styles! Come back here right now!”

She threw her head back against the booth and laughed. “David Mossy-Rock Styles. You stop that right now. Leave your brother James Made-for-Walking Styles alone.”

His head hit the table with an audible thunk and neither of them could speak for a good ten minutes between the giggles.

“Okay no Rose.”

He wiped at his eyes. “Dolores? Evangeline Dolores.”

“Nope. Try again.”

“It’s pretty, love.”

“It means sorrows.” She shook her head. “I’m not naming our child something that literally means I’m sad. I’m not sad. No.”

He sighed. “What about Stevie for her middle name then?”

“Evie Stevie.” She looked as if she wasn’t convinced that she disliked it.

“That is cute. You have to admit.”

She smiled. “Evangeline Stevie Styles.” 

“Evie Stevie Styles is literally the cutest name on the planet.” He turned puppy eyes on her. “Please love.”

#StylesBabyWatch can begin.

Now most of us considered the StylesBaby to be all but confirmed after the guitarist’s fainting spell in London early last month, but with no word coming from the Styles’ camp and no baby bump to be seen, it was clearly only speculation.

Well today, nearly a month and a half later, we are proud to be able to offer our congratulations to everyone’s favorite tattooed couple. Said couple was seen out and about in Sydney on Sunday, the day before 1D’s show in Allianz Stadium.

In addition to her brand-new baby bump, Mrs. Styles rocked a custom Alice + Olivia chiffon blouse, leather trousers- yes, you read right: she may be preggers but she is not laying down her sex appeal just yet.

Mr. Styles rocked protective future-dad, glaring at any pap that came too close to his glowing wife.

“She’s definitely pregnant and she’s absolutely adorable,” said a diner at the restaurant the Styles ate dinner at. “They spent most of dinner laughing and they were always touching each other. At one point, he leaned forward and put his hand on her belly and kissed her. So cute.”

Cheryl, visiting with Bear, set down her phone. “Guess the cat’s outta the bag, eh?”

Jamie snorted. “Oh, the horror! A pregnant woman not wanting to look like she’s wearing a tent.” She sipped her non-caffeinated herbal tea and grimaced, still rather salty that the only hot beverage she could drink was a tasteless cup of leaf and flower juice.

Harry chuckled, chugging half his kale shake. “I for one appreciate it, love.”

Smiling, Louis sipped his tea, chuckling when she glared over her cactus mug at him. “How did the doctor’s appointment go?

“Went fine.” Harry chugged the rest of his shake and nodded. He smiled down at Jamie and kissed her hair. “Mum and baby are healthy.”

“We had another ultrasound.” Jamie slid the photo to the middle of the table.

Cheryl gasped and nabbed the photo before anyone else could. “Oh m’god! Dimples!!”

Liam leaned over her shoulder. “Your mouth, innit, mate? Very cute.”

Josh accepted the photo from Cheryl and made a face, impressed. “I didn’t know the picture was this clear.”

Niall nodded. “Rather impressive tha’. Do ye know what yer havin’ yet?”

Jamie smiled up at Harry. “We’re having a girl!”

Cheryl squealed. “With those dimples? She’s gonna be a little dynamo.”

Louis whistled. “She’s a gorgeous little thing.”

Niall made a face at Josh and whispered. “All babies look the same, dun they?”

Josh nodded.

Part XV Up Next: A Blurb

[thegirlwiththecoffintattoo]

Why are people mad at Sam? He just wasn't invited, he is not a nominee. And the network probably thought it was not worth to send him there because they are still in the middle of filming. And why are people mad at Cait? She did not lie!! She maybe wasn't sure if they would send him OR as the friend she is, she simply didn't want to talk about what was not her business. Can this day be celebrated?

That’s a good question. I don’t quite understand it myself, since I am not mad at Sam or Cait. Frustrated with them at times, yes. But they do not know me, and I do not know him. How can I honestly be mad at two actors who I don’t really know?

Perhaps some feel entitled to know more about their lives than we really are. We have a small glimpse. Social media has changed everything as far as access to celebrities. They are kind enough to share what they does with us. But we as fans aren’t owed anything.

In our society as well, we tend to put actors,singers, etc on a pedestal. We hold them to a higher standard that really is unrealistic. We expect them to act or do things a certain way, forgetting that they are human just like us. In reality he’s just trying to get through daily life exactly like the rest of us, dealing with all the problems, trials and tribulations that we all face from time to time. Things we’d say or do are excused for ourselves or friends and family, but are put under a microscope for those in Hollywood.

I think it really comes down to unrealistic expectations. I think Sam is a great guy. Cait is a driven, beautiful, talented woman who is in the process of making her dreams come true. They are both charitable and are open to interact with their fan bases quite a bit.

We perceive these games being played, hiding relationships and trying to make things appear a certain way. Is it truly what’s going on? I don’t know if we will ever know. Unless we get a reveal.

I really hope Sam and Cait are together. They look and act like two people who care deeply for each other, have a love for each other that others look for and hope to find in their lives. I am here on HOPE. I don’t know if Sam is with MM or Cait with T, but if they are, then I wish them well in their relationships.

And YES, be happy for Cait! Celebrate her excellent performance as Claire. She deserves her nomination, and nothing should take away from that. Perhaps she’s really dedicating this Golden Globes nomination to network with other actors/producers/directors and perhaps new acting roles, with her agent being in attendance, I would bet that’s the case.

We are so used to seeing Sam as Cait’s biggest cheerleader, it’s hard to imagine him not being there with her. Will he be there at the GG’s? Cait said who knows. I am sure she wants him there, as he is the one she shares this journey with and who understands fully all that these roles demand from them.

I hope Sam gets the nominations he deserves as well in the future. They are excellent as Jamie and Claire. They’ve brought those two characters to life so much more vividly than we all had hoped.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 313

Ermagherd guys, Droughtlander. It’s here. But it’s here with Hamilton stuck in our heads, cheesetastic secksi times and the knowledge that the beginning of next season is probs the most like the oh-so-high-up-on-that-pedestal-S1A than anything else in the series. (In a strange new place! Trying to build a home! Except this time they’re doing it together! With the kiddos! Plus a doggo! *grabby hands*)

I know I’ve been on the *cough* less than positive *cough* side of things a lot this season. And last season, if we’re being honest. And I was going to apologize for that, but honestly, I’m not sorry. That’s just how I fan. I flail about what I love, I rant about what I don’t. I’m *very* aware that’s not everyone’s cup of tea and that I’m the sort of fan the cast and crew shit on in interviews and on twitter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But I enjoyed the finale for what it was. I squee’ed! I yelled things at the teevee! I side-eyed like whoa! So basically the same-ish reaction I’ve had to most of the episodes.

(I never bothered doing a full S2 rewatch, but I might do one for S3 just to see if it flows any better when watched all in one go, but I have a feeling it’ll still feel more like individual units than a cohesive whole.)

Anywho, beer-fueled nonsense that offers nothing of substance under the cut.

Finding more and more that I miss the old-style title cards.

Hard pass on doing this VO twice, tbh. Like we know obvi she’s not going to die. Just have it be where it plays out in the story.

Ok but all I can think about when the carriage stops and the crowd of people walk by is the part in The Mummy when they’re all like zombified and chanting Im-Ho-Tep.

I was just about to snark on Claire apparently having a change of clothes in the damn carriage but alas, we didn’t have to headcanon that she went and changed somewhere. No snarking for me.

Although for fucking serious? She changed back into the same damn outfit?! Ffs. Let the damn woman wear a different dress.

Aw, Fergus lets his wife come with him and doesn’t leave her behind in the woods with Willie. (I heart Marsali.)

“I’ll gut you” is apparently Young Ian’s go-to threat. It’s cute he already has a signature murder-style. Now you just need a rad serial killer name, dude. Take the hiatus to think about it.

This whole thing with Claire and Geillis is like ♬ I know, you know that I’m not telling the truth. ♬

I love that the Army/Navy rivalry spans both time and country.

But for real. Lord John in this scene is my goddamn everything. Sorry, Captain Babyface. I like you, but I need my dude out of those handcuffs and LJG is fucking *bringing it* right now. Can Jamie keep the handcuffs though? They might come in handy once he’s back on the Artemis... ;)

Ok but the final lingering shot of the pining face. Why. It was such a great scene. Lord John helping his buddy. Jamie being like yep, I still get in trouble, thanks for the assist. A nice goodbye. And it could have just ended there and been perfect, but nah, gotta smack everyone over the head with 1000% commitment to my least favorite trope.

#GetJohnABoyfriend2k18

Ah a “why are you here” callback to ep. 111.

For real though, Geillis is fucking nuts. Claire knows Geillis is fucking nuts. Claire knows Geillis has Young Ian. WHY ARE YOU LIKE HAVING CASUAL STORY TIME WITH HER, CLAIRE! DON’T TELL HER THINGS!

CLAIRE WHY ARE YOU TELLING GEILLIS ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE FUTURE! WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER ABOUT BREE! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! STOP SHARING THINGS WITH PSYCHOPATHS!

Also, we’re just casually talking about time travel in front of Hercules? I mean, I guess since he’s enslaved, no one gives a shit what he hears because it’s not like he can do anything?

“He was one of my favorites.” She’s fucking nuts but I still do love Geillis.

*zones out through discussions about the mechanics of time travel*

Did you really think you *weren’t* going to get locked in, Claire? YOU KNOW WHAT GEILLIS HAS DONE, YOU WERE CLEARLY GOING TO BE LOCKED IN. BREAK THE FUCKING WINDOW OR SOMETHING IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT.

I get that this is a parallel to the pilot when Claire’s watching the dancers at Craigh na Dun with Frank from the grass, but part of me is still wicked uncomfortable that they’re again using Black people as basically set dressing. I know it’s in the book, I wasn’t a fan of it there either.

How I think of Margaret during her Visions R Us office hours, basically.

Man, they really committed to this damn rabbit and bird thing. Maybe it’s some folks’ jam, but it never really struck a chord for me and the more they kept bringing it up, the more it makes me roll my eyes. Maybe because birds and rabbits were never a thing with Jamie and Claire? So it just seemed wicked random and kind of forced? Whatevs.

Hated Margaret channeling Bree in the book, hate it here.

This whole thing is so much weirder in the book, but just because they made it less weird for the show doesn’t make it good.

Like if we’re getting an exposition dump from Archibald about the prophecy, we really don’t need the weird Bree thing about someone coming to get her.

Yi Tien Cho channeling Inigo Montoya is kind of my everything. “I’m Yi Tien Cho. You are not worthy of this woman. Prepare to die.”

Petition for Rihanna’s “We Found Love” to be Yi Tien Cho and Margaret’s wedding song.

Omg so much explaining what we’ve already all figured out. We need to headcanon like 75% of Jamie and Claire’s reconciliation, but let’s spell out 2378235 different ways what Geillis’ plan is. (Maybe it wasn’t that many ways. But we’re doing a fuckton of exposition dumping in this episode.)

Ok seriously. The guy with the alligator head drinking chicken blood. Ugh. We got white savior stuff last week, but at least Temeraire had a part in the plot and got some agency at the end? Still problematic, but (maybe?) as minimally problematic as it could be if it was going to be included? This is literally just a backdrop for a conversation with Margaret. Blergh...

And then they have them carry off Archibald Campbell as Yi Tien Cho and Margaret look on in horror and omfg this is not good.

(ETA -- In which Roxane Gay says it better than I could: “It’s all very colonial fever dream, not so vaguely racist, and I honestly forced myself to let it go so I could continue with the episode.”)

“We lost Faith. We will not lose Brianna.” This line sure would have hit home a little harder had we actually seen Jamie give a crap about Bree at any point during the season. In the moment it works, but looking over the whole season *weakly gestures, tired of wishing things had been done differently*.

The goodbye kiss just in case though hits me in the feels. 

Well isn’t Geillis telling Claire “a life for a life” a nice perversion of Claire telling Jamie that he owed her a life in season two.

And then Jamie grabs her hand all gently and I have feelings about the two of them at the stones/pool, guys.

Why does dead!Geillis look super fake? I have questions.

Slash Young Ian is gathering up jewels or something, right? Before he runs out of the cave? He’s like picking shit up off the ground...

Still could have done without the bones in Joe’s office bit, tbh. But whatever.

I know she’s like a bit traumatized, but Claire holding a bloody machete is my aesthetic.

Awwww, lookit that lil family. *heart eyes*

Omg but the stuff on the ship is the eye of the storm. Like the episode is the storm. And the sex is the eye. Because in the eye of the hurricane, there is quiet. For just a moment. GET IT?! GET IT GUYS?! OK FINE I’LL JUST KEEP SINGING HAMILTON OVER HERE BY MYSELF.

I’m way too proud of myself for this tweet though:

“Surprised I dinna have a full head of white hair, after all I’ve suffered these past few months.” ONE LAST WTF, JAMIE *SIDE-EYE* FOR THE ROAD! (I know Jamie has been through some shit. But literally ever since Claire showed back up, he’s managed to make almost everything about him so even though it’s a little joke, this line is just icing on the omfg, you’re killing me Smalls cake.)

#TeamClairesVeryFineSkin

I for real thought this wasn’t going to make it into the show. I didn’t think the quickie in ep. 309 was going to make it either. Glad they both did.

Claire being like yep, I can remedy the I’m still wearing clothes situation, stat, is my everything.

It’s so cheesy, guys. I love cheese.

Jamie’s bangs though, guys. Can we get the man a new wig haircut before next season?

Omg, that ass grab. That ass grab is my everything. Idk why. But omg. RIP me.

They def have made the sex a little less explicit this year. Except for the rape that they decided to shoot like a softcore porn, wtaf. But like, that doesn’t matter? It’s never been about the amount of skin showing? It’s about showing the two characters being wicked into each other, because if they weren’t then going through all the shit they go through wouldn’t be worth it? I’m *rull* glad that the show has finally realized that that’s an important thing to actually have on screen instead of condescendingly telling us that it doesn’t matter or we should headcanon it like they did all last year.

Ok, here for Claire going full mama bear at Young Ian, but girl. How much doctoring do you really thing you’re going to be able to do in this exact moment if you go up on deck.

Slash, what was she waiting for the whole time everyone else, including the two people she was with, was clearing the deck? I know, I need to just go with it, but this is silly.

Ok this is the only time we needed to see this/hear this VO. Beautifully shot. The Faith music is gorgeous, but like I’m not reading anything into it like she’s watching over them or anything. More just like Claire’s in a liminal state between alive and dead like she was when Faith died.

Dude, kiss your wife when you’re both on the surface and it’s been established she’s alive. (I mean, it’s super sweet, but SWIM, JAMMF, SWIM!)

All snark aside, there’s something a little beautiful about Claire spending half the season basically drowning, unable to really save herself and no one else around who cares enough to save her. And now here she is again, literally drowning and unable to save herself, but this time there’s a handy ginger around to lend a hand. Because she’s not alone anymore. And I have feelings. So many feelings. All the feelings. Feelings.

As they’re floating on their scrap of wood, let me take the obligatory detour into the 20 year old grumble that there was definitely enough room on the door for Jack too. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, ROSE.

The thought of crawling around in the sand in wet clothes gives me hives.

“I told you I’d never leave you again.” ilu, claire bear.

Ok but they’re both so sad that the ship went down and everyone’s dead and stuff and it’s moving and yay for hugs, but like. You know nothing about where you are? Why jump to the worst case scenario? The beach is literally littered with stuff from the ship? You made it so other people might have too? Also, clearly all of the important people lived because otherwise this whole half of the season was pointless?

That being said, these two are really good at making their faces show feelings.

It’s really not a strange question to ask where you are, Jamie. You were in a shipwreck. GPS isn’t a thing. I’d say it’s a pretty normal question to have, bro.

OK BUT LOOK AT CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN SHE SAYS AMERICA HERE COMPARED TO HOW SHE WAS FEELING THE LAST TIME SHE ARRIVED THERE. EVERYTHING IS OK NOW, CLAIRE! I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THE FRASERS GETTING TO FINALLY START A LIFE TOGETHER, GUYS.

Literaloling over the rando family just walking away like yeah, uh, you guys do you.

fin.